antijoke_13

You know you're playing Rogue Trader when…

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When the Fluff says that no one has ever made a profit at some endeavor, that it has ruined every Rogue Trader who's tried, and that there is NO WAY that a Rogue Trader should ever be allowed to pull it off, the players just take that as a challenge.

-When the Fluff says that no one has ever made a profit at some endeavor, that it has ruined every Rogue Trader who's tried, and that there is NO WAY that a Rogue Trader should ever be allowed to pull it off, the players convince someone else to do it, and profit off their failure.

 

-When your players have the chance of being the villains of a Dark Heresy campaign.

 

-After a ruined Rogue Trader has come back to civilization telling of dead stars in the darkness on the fringe of the galaxy, the first thought of the group is "Hey neat, let's go there."

 

-The second thought of the group is "Hey, according to physics, collapsed stars can be made up of gold..."

 

-After a long investigation by the Ordo Xenos where your players have been found innocent despite the fact they are guilty, you can hear the Lord Inquisitor mutter "Forget it Leviticus, it's Footfall..." as he walks away.

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-When your players have the chance of being the villains of a Dark Heresy campaign.

And a Black Crusade campaign. At the same time.

 

-When you piss off Astartes Chapters, they think twice before assaulting you because not only the kind of political pull you have could end with them sharing the fate of Soul Drinkers, but the combined might of your armed forces would give the Chapter a run for it's money.

 

-Your Astropath has Scintilla, Lathes, Port Wander and Holy Terra on speed dial.

 

-The Calixian Conclave is adamant in refusing to give you a seat in the Ordo Xenos - the official explanation being "because you'd make them look bad in comparison."

 

-Apparently, "Get Out of Commoragh Free Card" is a thing among the Dark Eldar, because you have it and it's signed by Asdrubael Vect.

 

-Apparently, said card is only valid for you and your crew, and now Ordo Xenos is seriously pissed and wants that Inquisitorial Terminator armor back...

 

-...which isn't much of a problem since your Explorator assures you that he's successfully reverse-engineered it and the mass production can start within a year.

 

-It is said that nothing in this galaxy is more frightening than the sight of your Senechal smiling and calmly saying "Just As Planned."

 

-Luckily for your crew, he's polite enough to only do that in his office. Most of the time, anyway.

 

-There was this one time at Footfall when your Arch-Militant wanted to buy a hot dog, but the stall just ran out of mustard. There were no survivors.

 

-After a brief Gellar Field failure a wave of unchecked mutation overtakes the ship, and your first order is: "Leave those with extra hands alive, they'll work harder for the same pay!"

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- When your rogue trader insists on having a void capable horse so that he may ride into battle during boarding actions as this is the only way a gentleman can fight.

 

- When one player character has a stable of riding midgets so she can be bizzaro world reverse master blaster.

 

- When neither of those characters is the weird character in the party.

 

- When a successful mercantile venture can result in the devaluation of sector currency due to the influx of gold, silver and archeotech...

 

- When Nuking a few cities from orbit is now regarded as a standard opening negotiating move.

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- When red-shirts get expended by the regiment.

- When the players forget that 'nuke the world from orbit, it's the only way to make sure' is only supposed to be invoked after you find out what's on the surface.

- When your rogue trader has two seperate luxury quarters components installed so he can carry Cold Trade smugglers in one and an Inquisitorial contingent in the other at the same time.

- When, despite his best efforts, they meet, the result is "Marius? Good to see you! Didn't know you were on board. Have a drink..."

Edited by Magnus Grendel
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-when you find a single chaos settlement on a planet and the first reaction is bombard all settlements.

-when you feel you don't have enough time to take each settlement out and cause mass volcanic eruptions to save time

-when such actions draw a chaos cruiser

-when the warp jump there caused more casualties than the chaos cruiser

-when all the above started because you were delivering 20,000 kroot to the planet and the 15,000 who pledged their service in exchange for said delivery have yet to be told the assumed fate of their brethren

(An eventful game where my gm felt like testing my newly made militant trader)

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-When being a slaver, a drug smuggler or an arms merchant are considered to be the least evil options for making money.

 

-In fact, doing all three at the same time is considered to be the hallmark of good business.

 

-The Missionary can soothe Exterminatus-minded clergy by stating that should such an event happen, the Rogue Trader will be their new spiritual leader because his hat is much bigger and better than theirs.  This argument has saved numerous worlds.

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- You are attacked by a warband of CSM and answer "I pay double, be it sacrifices, slaves, thrones or weapons of mass destruction."

 

- You buy every single bar on every single planet just to have leverage on the population.

 

- You barely fought off a few Necrons and saying to yourself "****, nothing left to sell..."

 

- Your Explorator then starts to search for a way of jamming Necron-Teleportation so you're able to salvage something.

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After gutting a Chaos cruiser from range, the Rogue Trader's response to needing information from the captain (still sealed away in a reinforced bridge w/ auxiliary power) is not to board the ship, but to use his flagship's prow as a battering ram to open a hole in the bridge "safely".

 

When the Chaos Captain ends up being a powerful Champion, and starts running up the prow of the flagship towards the Rogue Trader's bridge out of the giant tear caused by the ramming attempt in a display of resplendent Chaos, the Rogue Trader decides to personally duel the captain on the exterior of the flagship because the champion "Is asking for it."

 

The Rogue Trader's idea of "Duel" is to then have a macrocannon battery aimed at the Champion, and an Arch-Militant with a Lascannon as backup, just in case.

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-When a good way to open the campaign is not " you met at a tavern" but " you gather all to the ruined hive city of Agropolis on Sinophia so that you can make a stranded cruiser there take off from a millenia-long slumber."

 

- When your rogue trader make a point to sculpt herself the face of her flock of cherubim pets, so that they look exactly alike of her ennemies.

- when your rogue trader goes everywhere followed by a fifty-men marching band, including standard bearers, incense bearers and choristers.

 

- when your Rogue trader considers worth it to spent enough on her marching band on uniforms, best quality armors, hidden weapons, jet-packs, individual force fields and implants, to create three whole Guard Infantery regiments.

 

- When your Rogue Trader, after her bridge has been opened to the void thanks to a teleported bomb-run, is more upset of her ruined uniform than of the mayhem around her.

 

- When your Rogue Trader alone, almost casually, drive out her Ship out a warp rift with said bridge open to the void.

 

-When, considering said instance, she is still having regrets about her choice of undies that day, because Scintilla blut satin does not mesh well with the red emergency runes light on the propaganda pics.

 

-When your 1m45 tall Rogue trader is so heavily augmented that she no longer need to breath, have a daily inspection walk on the hull on her ship, and she almost alone freed a Rhino stuck in the mud with her small arms.

 

- When the Rogue Trader weaponize her bicorn hat, with a miniaturised gold replica of her ship strapped on the cocardn the whole hidding a MIU-linked micro archeolasrifle, on the sole purpose to be able to say " My hat is an imperial cruiser, your argument is invalid."

 

-When your Rogue Trader, with her uniforms, her marching band, and her flock of cherubs, is still NOT able to be more stylish than the magistral Navigator.

 

-When the Navigator has enough clothes and shoes in her luggage to fill up the equivalent of Notre Dame de Paris.

 

- When the only thing that can scare the unflappable Senechal is not orks, not deamons, not a Yuva'th ship, but this sentence :" The Navis Primari and the Lady-captain have gone down to do shopping".

 

-When the Navigator is so good that when she tries to find the Astronomican, every single time, said light is as strong as if the ship was on Holy Terra orbit.

 

- When the Navigator fight in a duel against Nostromo in the void above the destroyed Monarch of Whispers, catch her ennemy with her and send them altogether inside the Monarch plasma drives, creating in the process a very small star that reflect the Astronomican light in her death throes.

 

- When the arch-militant name is whispered in terror all accross the Expanse, thanks to her current kill tally, including 33 frigates or equivalent, 19 cruisers,a Yuva'th Whisperer, The Monarch of Whisper, and Haarlock's frigate Spear of Destiny.

 

- When the arch-militant is the only one eager to face Haarlock again, in his cruiser this time, so that she got both on her list.

 

- When you have Jack Sparrow under an other name as your Master of the Helm.

 

- When said Pirate manage to steal two whole starships above Scintilla, one to the Imperial Navy, one to an ennemy dynasty.

 

- When your starship himself - yes, its a he-, is called "His Majesty", first by the crew, and then even ennemies...

 

-When your starship is so ladden of riches from his nine millenia long history that every single deck is decorated with gold, marble, sculptures and master paintings, including the crew quarters. Ostentatious Display of Wealth indeed.
 

- When your Rogue Trader travel inside her ship in a gold plated armoured Steam Train named the Profit Express, and always make a point to offer a tour to her guests inside it just to show off, including a ride on the hull.

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- when your rogue trader goes everywhere followed by a fifty-men marching band, including standard bearers, incense bearers and choristers.

-When other Rogue Traders consider this lowly and quite humble.

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Tobias Caine, after finding the Righteous Path rebuilt it, rechristened it the Righteous Fury, and added the largest armored prow he could find to it. It made the campaign very entertaining!

Edit: this showed up in a really odd spot, ah well.

Edited by CaptainRemiVandigrath

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-When the Rogue Trader takes a group of primitive feral worlders as a bodyguard instead of a detachment of imperial stormtroopers.  When asked about this, he smiles and says "Long Live the Fighters."

 

-There are rumors amongst the crew that the Arch-Militant teaches classes on "Tank-Fu".

 

-How to recognize new crewmembers: ones that think they can win at Hide-and-Seek versus the Astropath Transcendant.

 

-The Explorator figured out a way to use solar flares to burn heretics on three different planets at the same time.

 

-The Missionary is still sore about it, because it beat his record when he used volcanoes.

 

-The Navigator is a corpulent, obscura-addicted, meaty-fingered, pus-pimpled mutant that can't get around unless he uses his personal carriage pulled by twelve dozen blind, mute slaves.  He's also the party face when the Rogue Trader is off the ship.

 

-Three words that never appear when the Seneschal is close by: "Not for Sale"

 

-The Void Master's first thoughts upon finding a space hulk floating in the void for thousands of untold millenia thinks "I can drive that."

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- The Rogue Trader's player has min-maxed his character's Fellowship stat so high that he has earned the epithet "Wytch-Tongued" amongst the Void-farers of the Koronus Expanse.

 

- The Rogue Trader himself is somewhat offended by this epithet, because he's never once used warp-sorcery to increase his powers of persuasion. He's always had more concrete things in mind when he dabbles with forbidden magics. Like raising a warp-storm to cover acts of piracy committed inside the Calixis sector (fuelled by the sacrifice of unsanctioned psykers).

 

- Such is the awe that the Wytch-Tongued one's persuasive powers are held in, that when some of the crew mutinied they sealed their ears first lest his voice bewitch them. Rivals now conduct negotiations through the medium of vox-servitors to attempt to defeat his sorcerous tongue.

 

- The Rogue Trader tries to seduce an Eldar Warlock he's just met in a potential combat situation, and after looking at the social rules and how high his Fel and Charm are, the GM realises he's got a 20% chance of succeeding. And he's willing to spend the entire session's budget of Fate Points to keep trying.

 

- Plot hooks designed to bring the PCs to dangerous places are utterly pointless, because on hearing a name like "Processional of the Damned" the Rogue Trader immediately proclaims that this place sounds interesting and commands the Navigator to plot a course there. No attempt is made to learn more about this place beforehand, as "That would spoil the fun!"

 

- The Rogue Trader actually sacrifices a full point of space on the starship to make room for a giant church organ, because he's decided that playing this during battles would be the most effective thing he could do. And then Battlefleet Koronus came out with rules for the Melodium component, making this concept official- and giving yet another +10 to his social rolls for having it.

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-The Rogue Trader has an Ork for a Bosun for the same reason Jabba had the Rancor.

 

-Though starting the campaign at only 12 years old, in 2 years has earned the monikers Savior of the Expanse, Lord Commander of Stryfe, and Koronos' Most Eligible Bachelor.

 

-The archmilitant who thinks she's a harlequin and dresses accordingly is the least conspicious member of the crew.

 

-The Bosun uses his intimidate skill for stealth tests.

 

-The voidmaster's customized guncutter is off limits to techpriests, as she's killed 6 of them through cardiac arrest alone.

 

- The size of the mercenary unit on your ship dwarfs that of some Holy Crusades.

 

-When rediscovering long lost relic vessels from before the Great Crusade, the Rogue Trader's first action is to call dibs.

 

-It's also the first thought when coming across rival Rogue Traders' colonies.

 

-Tales of your exploits decrease the availability of multi-meltas due to a run on the market.

 

-Your crew learns to stay as far away from voidlocks as possible on payday.

 

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-The damage a squad of armsmen can deal to an enemy force is measured in units named after the ship's Arch-Militant.

 

-The Administratum however classifies the Arch-Militant's damage in the same category as some weather systems.

 

-The Explorator is the healer of the group, but has a "touchy-feely" demeanor.  Everyone is afraid of him and dive into cover during firefights so they don't have to get "healed".

 

-The Missionary is not originally part of the Ecclesiarchy, but started off as an adept from the Departmento Munitorum.  So far, no one has noticed; stamping all the bullets in the armory with an aquila is now considered a devotional meditation for the Imperial Cult.

Edited by jabberwoky

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- The explorator has this restricted access small lab setup in the area of the ship where the warp & gellar field generators are, aka "heresy room".
- Apparently, breeding warp eels in a containment field built out of gellar & warp field technologies is the new fashion in execution of mutineers (executions are to be transmitted by holo-pic to the crew quarters).
- But that continues a fashion only until the Magos Biologis finds out that diving someone in their "warp aquarium" doesnt actually kill the person but mutates the poor fella hideously and gets everyone watching to become a little bit more insane.

- All records are then erased and the transmission never reaches the crew deck... After that, the Archmilitant executes some mutineers and the Lord Captain runs back to the chapel and spends the next days praying for their souls (as they realised they almost holo-piced an utter heresy to an assload of people).

- 3 days later they find a proscribed sentient archetotec probe  that could get them excommunicated from the Mechanicus and then everyone suddenly forget what had just happened the previous days - instead of destroying the probe, they remove the probe's cogitator core and that becomes their next experiment subject - and a new trophy for the "heresy room".

Edited by Sebastian Yorke

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- All records are then erased and the transmission never reaches the crew deck... After that, the Archmilitant executes some mutineers and the Lord Captain runs back to the chapel and spends the next days praying for their souls (as they realised they almost holo-piced an utter heresy to an assload of people).

-Several weeks later, the ship receives an odd message from the Ordo Malleus; something about pirates and a thing called a "bootleg".

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- You ask the tech priest how to put engines on a planet so you can use it as your new flagship.

 

- He has an answer in under an hour.

 

- You can afford it.

 

- Three chapters of the Adeptus of Astartes use your homeworld for recruiting.

 

- One chapter uses decks 3-12 of your flagship for the same thing.

 

- You consider any ship under light cruiser as ordnance.

 

- The item you chose for your one free item was booze.  Really good booze, but still booze.

 

- All the upgrades on your ship has made your crew more loyal to you than your servitors.

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-When the Explorator runs down the corridors of an Eldar ship wearing his red robe and a giant sack attached to his back, all the while screaming "Ho Ho Ho" and smashing eldar with a blast door he ripped off his own ship. 

 

 - At some point even attempting to grapple a wraithguard (and succeeding to some level).

Annaamarth likes this

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