antijoke_13

You know you're playing Rogue Trader when…

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Your Rogue Trader can acquire a new cruiser in 30 minutes: 10 minutes to order his ship to ramming speed, 10 minutes to swarm the ship with armsmen and assault boats (after nearly shearing the cruiser in half through ramming), then 10 minutes to fight to the bridge and personally duel the Captain for control of the ship.

Being insulted warrants a larger military response than an expedition to clear a void station of Chaos Worshippers

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-When your Explorator informs you he just built a device theoretically capable of destroying the whole galaxy upon activation, your first question is: "How many shots does it have?".

 

-You're literally incapable of imagining a problem that you couldn't solve by throwing either more money or more firepower at it.

 

-Journals of your exploits would have been the best selling adventure thriller of all times - too bad Ordo Xenos decreed them "for the eyes of the Inner Circle only".

 

-It's not certain that a working, uncorrupted STC is impossible to find all across the galaxy - you probably have one on your ship, except it's stuck in some forgotten cargo hold nobody knows about.

 

-Leaders of the Achillus Crusade regularly petition you to support their cause, but you politely decline them because "Tyranids aren't lootable".

 

-Inquisitors like to think they surround themselves with exceptional, if peculiar, individuals - until they meet your personal retinue.

 

-You keep petitioning the Inquisition and Adeptus Astra Telepathica to send you a personal sanctioning team, because due to all the strange phenomena you encounter, wyrds pop up among your crew so often, sending them to the Black Ships becomes increasingly annoying - and you don't have a full squad of combat psykers yet.

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-When the Void-Master wishes to be a master of all vehicles and modes of transportation, he gets huffy when he learns that the new, smaller, faster ship doesn't have room for his collection of dinosaurs.

 

-The words "Seneschal" and "Ferengi" become functionally interchangeable.

 

-When the rest of the crew, by mutual agreement and cybernetic safeguards, bans the Navigator from saying the word "Oops" over the ship's PA system.

 

-The Missionary becomes displeased with his various flamers and melta guns and becomes obsessive about topics of geology.  No one bats an eye when it's revealed he's doing this research only to weaponize volcanoes.

 

-When the definition of Explorator changes from "Seeker of Archaeotech" to "Archaeotech Implant Specialist"

 

-Second most frightening thing on-board a ship: an Astropath with a pair of googly-eye glasses.

 

-Most frightening thing on-board a ship: a summons to the Arch-Militant's "rumble room".

 

-When the Rogue Trader swears he will not rest until he finds the legendary treasure of a Xeno tyrant known only as "Scrooge McDuck".

Edited by jabberwoky

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- Your Explorator makes an Acquisition for thousands of servoskulls and frag grenades, and prepares to re-enact Megamind's battle plans.

 

- Your Crew Reclamation Facility is converted to produce more servoskull bombs

 

- Every mission ever begins with a cost/benefit analysis of whether or not it's worth it to just shoot the person who is offering you a job.

 

- Your Navigator has mastered Warp Travel to such a degree that you begin using his ability to commit effective insider trading based on the latest Nephium returns from Lucin's Breath.

 

- Your players have a horrible moment of realisation that the NPC whose actions they've been complaining about and saying are unrealistic is just copying things they've done at various points in their careers.

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-Your priest tries to distract an ancient AI with prattle about the Emperor and ends up baptizing and converting it.

 

-Your party starts the game with more lifelong and world-shattering enemies than all your other 40k RPGs combined.

 

-You can actually tell an Inquisitor to go screw himself and survive.

 

-Space Marines owe you favors.

 

-Your hat is *fantastic*.

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-When your Explorator informs you he just built a device theoretically capable of destroying the whole galaxy upon activation, your first question is: "How many shots does it have?".

Then your next question is "How long does it take to reload?"

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- Your Explorator makes an Acquisition for thousands of servoskulls and frag grenades, and prepares to re-enact Megamind's battle plans.

 

- Your Crew Reclamation Facility is converted to produce more servoskull bombs

Funny, my last Explorator did just that.

 

Back to the listing:

 

-You can do very unreasonable things for profit, but you always do incredibly stupid things just because someone dared you.

 

-You wage wars on entire species not because it's so profitable, but because you want to collect full sets of their equipment in pristine condition for your trophy room.

 

-The Missionary was never happier than when you installed the detachable, orbitally dropped cathedral on your ship for him...

 

-...except maybe when he learned that with a bit of practice and Void-Master's help, it can be precisely dropped on the heathen temple.

 

-In commemoration of that event, the first religious hymn the newly converted locals learned is a High Gothic version of "ding dong the witch is dead". The melody is more bombastic, of course.

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- Your Astropath chooses to use a fate point to re-roll his Willpower test because he "wants the insanity points".

 

- Said Astropath spends more time in combat unconscious, something the rest of the party are quite happy about as their guns jam considerably less for some reason.

 

- Despite refusing to wear even a shirt your aged and frail Astropath easily survives a heavy bolter round the the chest and simply gets up and dusts himself off in his next action.

 

- Said Astropath does himself more damage pushing his powers than being shot by enemy heavy weapons.

 

- Despite not really needing it your Astropath (after having been shot in the chest) gets the ships medi-servitor to rebuild his chest with sub dermal armour so he doesn't have to wear "anything restrictive" (i.e. Anything - not that he did anyway) but really because he can "have a six pack for the first time in over a century".

 

- Your Arch Millitant goes toe to toe with a arco-flagellant and tears it apart in 3 rounds.

Edited by Generaljimbo

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- When the PCs wake up with a hangover, realizing that they have been Press ganged – by their own, oblivious, crew.

 

- And the (still oblivious) crewman trying to get the new recruits to work then gets beaten to within an inch of his life, just to teach him to be more careful next time (that, and the Arch-Militant was in a bad mood).

 

- When the Acolytes working undercover (or so they thought)on your ship gets called up to talk to the Rogue Trader, who wants to make sure that they’ve covered up their involvement with an Offworlder properly– because otherwise it might reflect badly on the RT.  

 

- When the Sub-sector Governor refuses to acknowledge a world as yours, and you take that as an excuse to recruit just enough Tech-Priest from his world to make it felt in the everyday life.

 

- When you hire a Nobleborn from a world to act as a guide, and end up recruiting the whole family for various jobs that pop up.

 

- When you buy a Courier-Company because that the easiest way to find out who send you an anonymous message.

 

- When it turns up the Security-Team the Senechal put together on your newest ship consists of Tzeench-worshippers (… but they were so good at the job!)

 

- When the RT shoots the newest colony back to a more useful size after it rioted.

 

- When the RTs Hat! needs Graviton-platings and a Powersuit to be held in place.

 

- When you have to drop an ‘investment’ because the various schemes it involved got so complex the Seneschal lost track of the original goal.

 

- When everyone actively involved with buying equipment desperately tries to get Peer(Adeptus Mechanicus), Good Reputation(Adeptus Mechanicus)… and everything else that might give a bonus.

 

- When you have to come up with a financial excuse to help someone - can't let it be known that you're doing something out of the goodness of your heart!

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- Your Arch Millitant goes toe to toe with a arco-flagellant and tears it apart in 3 rounds.

- Then the arch-militant curses under his breath because his personal best was victory in two rounds.

 

- When the explorers cause an inter-stellar war because of the Rogue Trader's desire for another Trader's hat.

 

-The Seneschal is vehemently against creating a "Rapture"-style colony, not because it isn't profitable, but because it could eventually create some better at economics than him.

 

-When your group has created an imperial guard regiment, the Administratum states that your unit's spare uniform budget is equivalent to the cost of a Baneblade.

 

-After which, the players attempt to trade their guard regiment for said Baneblade to save money.

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-When an endeavor begins with the Rogue Trader throttling some minor noble, shouting "I'm richer than you and can blow up your house. Don't you want my help?!?"

 

-When the Seneschal walks into a room, everyone instinctively grabs their wallet to make sure it's still there.

 

-When you encounter the Strixis, their customary greeting to you is "Shut up and take my money!"

 

-When poker games require chips of pure gold the size of monster truck tires.

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- When your flagship is so filled with archeo/xeno/daemon/Explorator home brewed tech, and covered in so much bling, that it is not recognizable as Imperial, Martian or Xeno, and the Imperial Navy doesn't believe you when you tell them it's yours.

 

- When said ship is perfectly legal according to your Warrant

 

- When the Imperial Navy, the Mechanicus and the Inquisition would love to seize your flagship to inspect it, but they are afraid you might get angry and destroy half the sector fleet with your multi-barreled nova cannon broadsides and swarm of phase-cloaked vortex torpedoes.

 

- When entire Ork WHAAAGH! have tried to invade your planets, only to bow down to your might because of the clear superiority of your hat over ever the greatest of Freebooters. That, and your complement of murder-servitors outnumber them 3 to 1 since the Explorator "improved" production.

 

- When your Explorator tries to convince you to go to the Jericho Reach and get a few Tyrannids for his latest bio-engineering experiments, and you are happy to do so because it might keep him distracted from his other plans for a while longer.

 

- When your Arch-Militant is giggling like a little girl at the idea of the Explorator's insane cross-breeding of Ork and Tyrannid genetic material inevitably become uncontrollable so he can have the honor of being the first person to kill one ever.

 

- When your Explorator's insane cross-breeding of Ork and Tyrannid genetic material inevitably become uncontrollable, and he resolves that forcibly inserting (possibly Warp-Tainted) necrodermis into their structure may result in a sufficient loss of reproductive instincts to make them somewhat controllable. Any related omnicidal pulsions would be an added bonus.

 

- When Necron Tomb Lords are afraid of your Explorator, not only because he has agreed to worse pacts and contracts than they ever have, but because his army of pariah gened servitors are a positive evolution over their immortal forms.

 

- When all three major inquisitorial branches are bickering over who should have the responsibility of dealing with the clearly heretical acts of your Explorator, and everybody is trying to place the responsibility on someone else because they don't want to get whipped out by blank, chamelonine coated murder cyborgs.

 

- When your Senechal manages to convince the Ecclesiarchy and a bunch of Puritan Inquisitors that the daemon weapons he's selling are absolutely devoid of Chaotic taint.

 

- When your Senechal, through clever manipulation, liberal legal loophole abuse and clear disregard for the law, is theoretically a fully legal, ordained Inquisitor, with full access to the Tricorn, all the while having never conducted any operations for the Inquistion.

 

- When your Void Master insists on buying a new Universe class transport to carry his vehicle collection.

 

- When your Void Master routinely goes around in a Warp Spider suit "because it's AWESOME" and allows him to teleport to the cockpit of his vehicles without opening the doors.

 

- When your Void Master is a better jetbike pilot than both the Wild Riders of Saim-Hann and Kabalite raiders, and has customized his jetbike to allow him to ride it while also wearing his jump pack.

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- When your Exploritors response to finding out your void master has just had his leg hacked off is to reply with glee "Oh that's allright I need genetic material anyway".

 

- Said Exploritor then "rescues" void masters leg and reassures him about it before having him taken to the medibay to perform emergency surgery.

 

- Void Master recovers from the surgery to find his leg replaced with a fairly mediocre grade bionic liberated from the gun servitor the party had been battling before Void Masters unfortunate incident. What happened to the Void Masters actual leg remains a mystery.

 

- When left in command of the party's cruiser with the express orders to "Avoid conflict and attempt deplomacy". Opens said diplomatic communication with a up till now neutral ship with a hail requesting that the vessel "LOWER YOUR SHIELDS AND PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED" before sending over waves of Murder Servitors via Boarding torpedoes and Teleportarium after the hailed vessel opens fire.

 

- When quizzed about how neutral ship ended up being forcefully captured "diplomatically" your Exploritor explains (somewhat honestly from his point of view)  that he "avoided conflict and used diplomacy" by "not destroying the ship and boarding it to negotiate directly with the vessels machine spirit" (and vent most compartments to void) after "diplomatic relations with fleshy minions of the vessel had taken a turn for the worse".

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- When your Senechal manages to convince the Ecclesiarchy and a bunch of Puritan Inquisitors that the daemon weapons he's selling are absolutely devoid of Chaotic taint.

 

Especially if said "convincing" consists of flipping a switch that changes the (clearly xenotech) neon board from "Now with Free Chaos Taint!!!" to "Now Free from Chaos Taint!!!"

Erathia, Nameless2all and Alasseo like this

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-The Rogue Trader goes shopping for a handbag... and finds one that matches his custom storm bolter.

 

-The Seneschal goes shopping for a new xenotech pistol... and finds one that matches his handbag.

 

-Surprisingly the Arch-Militant returns with dozens of handbags.  Not surprisingly, he uses them to throw multiple frag grenades at the same time.

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you pull into port wanderer and get charrged two docking fees. one for your ship and one for your hat.

 

you decided to not get your nova cannons purged of deamonic taint because it saves on ammo and labor cost.

 

some tribal world has a myth about your ship that roughly translates as destroyer of worlds.

 

between your arch-millitant and seneschal you some how have a squad of riptide suits on board, but they are legal because of the giant " we love the emperor!! " stickers all over them.

 

one of said suits has disapered, as has the resident mek-boy.

said mek-boy and magos have a long running bet to see who can fit the most shooty and stabby bits on a murder servitor.

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-When your Rogue Trader's hit-and-run party ignores destroying the enemy's void shields in favor of stealing everything they can carry from the enemy's trophy room.

 

-When the Arch-Militant's battle scars stop being a detriment to his Fellowship and instead begin giving him the Fear (1) trait.

 

-The words "Astropath" and "Lady Gaga Costume Model" become interchangeable.

 

-The Explorator, for all his lunatic ravings, mad experiments, intolerance for failure, low charisma and sociopathic tendencies, is the most polite person you'll meet in the Koronus Expanse.  And also the scariest.

 

-The Missionary has become jealous of the Astropath's fashion sense and is desperately trying to create "Anti-Psyker" copies.  So far it hasn't impressed the Calixian nobility, as they still buy the origionals.

 

-The Navigator refuses to come out of his room and continually orders coffee and pastries.  Although the Rogue Trader and Arch-Militant talk about his percieved cowardice, they speak of the Navigator only when they are off the ship and even then in a barely audible whisper.

 

-The Seneschal convinced a group of Space Wolves that a plush toy with the tag "Property of Leman Russ" was a relic, and donated it to the chapter in exchange for services rendered.

 

-The words "Void-Master" and "Adeptus Mechanicus Test PIlot" are interchangeable.

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-...except maybe when he learned that with a bit of practice and Void-Master's help, it can be precisely dropped on the heathen temple.

 

-In commemoration of that event, the first religious hymn the newly converted locals learned is a High Gothic version of "ding dong the witch is dead". The melody is more bombastic, of course.

something like- "Ding Dong mala mortuus est,

quem veteres strigam

impii strigam

Ding Dong impiorum strigam mortuus est!"

Edited by Alasseo

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-...except maybe when he learned that with a bit of practice and Void-Master's help, it can be precisely dropped on the heathen temple.

 

-In commemoration of that event, the first religious hymn the newly converted locals learned is a High Gothic version of "ding dong the witch is dead". The melody is more bombastic, of course.

something like- "Ding Dong mala mortuus est,

quem veteres strigam

impii strigam

Ding Dong impiorum strigam mortuus est!"

 

im going to take this and make it my sig, if that's cool with you Alasseo?

Nameless2all likes this

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