antijoke_13

You know you're playing Rogue Trader when…

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-When the arch-milatint and ork have an ongoing contest to see who can get the biggest one-punch kill. The ork was in the lead with a baneblade; until the AM one-upped him by being able to claim an ironclast raider.

 

- this stunt involved

1. boarding torpedo modified so the AM could strap onto the front of it

2. Some ridiculsly overpowered powerfists

3. An 05 to hit roll when the torpedo was launched to make sure it hit the side of the bridge

4. a Teliport homer

5. The AM getting 8DOS to punch the captain and take out the navigation console while flying thru the enemy bridge

6. A convenient gravity well the enemy ship then fell in 

filliman and RogalDorn01 like this

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When the following conversation takes place:

 

"So, you only have two siblings?"

 

"That I know of'.

 

"?"

 

"Dad kept his harem in a stasis field.  For all i know, they've been knocked up for the last five hundred years.  His wife didn't approve of that sort of thing, so he just left them there for after what he figured would be the inevitable messy exchange of both layers and broadsides when the divorce rolled around."

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When the following takes place:

 

Playing The Soulreaver, the party Dark Eldar Wych (who had gained infamy as the Footfall Ripper)) is taken along for the ride, she then escapes the gladiatorial arena without the party, and begins a one dark eldar war on the Withered Blade which eventually leads to her leaving a slaughtered hekatrix blood-bride on Anyalra's desk with the following carved in her chest: "Now I have a Razorflail and Blast Pistol.  Ho Ho Ho."

 

 

 

Dark Eldar Wych and Archmilitant (both female) are hiding in a supply closet from a patrol of hostile footfall armsmen when the following conversation takes place:

 

"Your species has a very refined instinct for what is and is not human.'

"Huh"

'You heard them, they called me an eldar, even though i was a very long way from them, though our species look very similar and I'm wearing a human bodyglove and a full face mask."

"It's the bodysuit.  No human in the expanse has body tone like that combined with breasts like that.  Next time, heavy coat and sports bra to hide them.  If we have one that big."

"The sports bra?'

'The coat'

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Hmm, I was under the impression Wyches - except a few with cosmetic "modifications" from a haemonculus - should be fairly aerodynamic in that regard. I can't imagine the arena life being conducive to any extra weight.

Edited by The_Shaman
Amroth likes this

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Hmm, I was under the impression Wyches - except a few with cosmetic "modifications" from a haemonculus - should be fairly aerodynamic in that regard. I can't imagine the arena life being conducive to any extra weight.

 

Depends on, as you pointed out, the treatments of haemonculi and the cult in question.  Further, this is someone who's been away from dark eldar society proper for a considerable time.  The wych in question was a member of cult of the red grief who had been disgraced by, of all things, falling from her skyboard when attacked by a swarm of winged rippers.

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Hmm, I was under the impression Wyches - except a few with cosmetic "modifications" from a haemonculus - should be fairly aerodynamic in that regard. I can't imagine the arena life being conducive to any extra weight.

 

Yes falling over every time you take a swing because you are top heavy could cause some problems..... On the plus side if the proportions were that crazy she might just be able to bounce straight back up again and keep fighting.....

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Well, today's session offered a couple of good ones up, some humor for the humor god. (Cergoach, perhaps?)

 

-When the Rogue Trader and Explorator decide they want an late night cognac while staying at an Imperial Commander's residence.  They remain sober, not even getting one drop, but this leads to a chain of events culminating in the accidental orbital bombardment of a planet the Rogue Trader was to put down a rebellion on.

 

-When the seneschal was in said city gathering intel, but forgotten in the heat of the moment (see bullet 1)

 

-When although exhilarating, neither a life or death firefight in a secret treasure vault of illegal xenos tech, or racing a Razorback to a dustoff zone while being chased by Landspeeders and Predator tanks, are the highlight of the session (See bullet 1)

 

-When not the PCs, but their Thunderbolt wing, get the most dramatic kill of the night

 

-When that one fate point is the only thing between the Explorator and a Krak Grenade in the face

 

-When the RT takes the time to bandage a single enemy soldier, but is unmoved by the destruction of a city

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-In order to settle the differences between the Explorator and the Missionary over who's divine being is better the Rouge Trader finds two planets with humanoid races of tribal xeno's, drops the Explorator on one and the Missionary on the other and tells them to bring the populations of their planets into the folds of the Machine Cult/Imperial Creed respectfully.  

 

-While both are making progress, currently the Missionary is considered in the lead due to the holy war that is currently being fought on his planet between his Imperial tribe and a rival tribe who is actively summoning demons and using warp powers to try and make up for the technological edge that the Imperial tribe has due to lasguns and other weapons supplied by the Rogue Trader.

 

-Despite the freaky and dangerous wrap **** that is being thrown at them, the Xeno's imperials are actually holding their own rather nicely due to their faith in the Emperor of Mankind. Strangely enough the Imperial Creed hasn't been altered; The Xeno's view humanity as a race much older and wiser then their own and since they have been given the chance to learn from such a race instead of being wiped out they are taking to the teachings like true zealots, fighting to prove they were worthy of the honor granted to them.

 

-Side bets are being made if, at the end of all of this, if the newly inducted imperial xeno races will be welcomed by their respective organizations or simply purged for the sake of it. While the bookies have agreed that the group of xeno's following the Imperial Creed are most likely going to be consumed by fire, the fate of the Cult Mechanicus Xeno's are still up in the air due to their being taught to worship human technology before they had a chance to develop their own.

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When your Explorator sells your Grand Cruiser for a rare, never been found before, one of a kind, archotech..... Toaster oven?

 

When he KNEW it was a toaster oven but bought it anyway

 

When the RT doesn't kill him because he's "Withholding judgement until we find out if it makes better cheese toast than our current model."

 

When the AdMech purchases the archotech toaster oven, and you end up with enough money to buy TWO grand cruisers, plus a vacation home on a paradise world.

 

 

When your void master is some hybrid of the the protagonist of a WWII fly-boy movie and Isaac Clarke.

 

When your attempt at smuggling fails because you're unloading crate after crate the size of a Valkyrie but your shipping manifest (which lists only the "legal" things you have" totals about 20 pounds.

 

When the RT and company board a soulcage class chaos slaveship on a rescue mission, you unlock a cage and wake a man just as a Chaos Marine comes into the room and the man shouts "AAAAAAAAAAH, IT'S HIM!!! SAVE ME!!!!" and jumps into the Chaos Marines arm while pointing shakily at the RT.

Edited by InquistiorCalinx
n00b f00 likes this

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When the players see gold plated hidden servitors and think 'where can I get me some of those' before they think about how to disable them before the fight inevitably breaks out.

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When your Ork Kommando Makes Snikrot look like an amateur, can make full run actions in broad daylight without being spotted, but still insists on using an Ork (read: loud as all Warp) gun without a silencer because "Louder is killy-er!"

 

When, after much insisting, he agree's to test it on a target by firing two identical guns, one with a silencer on it and one without.

 

When, after the damage is more or less the same, the GM rules the Ork has to make a -60 WP test or take 1d10 insanity points due to "The intractable laws of reality suddenly ceasing to function"

 

When he fails, and gains a disorder

 

When that disorder is "rambling nonsense"

 

When the "nonsense" he rambles is about how loudness isn't equal to deadliness, so nobody really notices anyway.

 

Except the Weird and Mek Boyz, who are pretty close to taking him down to the shooting range and "Showin you ourselvez that you's wrong! Oi, hummie git, gimmie dat quiet pistol and that other, not quiet pistol soz I can show dis grot da laws of SCIENCE on dos targets ovva der!"

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As the Lord Nitpicker I just thought I'd point out that Orks don't gain disorders. They just accumulate Insanity points until they hit 100, and then retire as a "Madboy". Apart from that it was a fun post :)

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As the Lord Nitpicker I just thought I'd point out that Orks don't gain disorders. They just accumulate Insanity points until they hit 100, and then retire as a "Madboy". Apart from that it was a fun post :)

 

Point Taken, although they still do progress gradually in the fluff and I wouldn't put it past most GM's to cook up a set of Ork "disordahs", but I will admit I missed that part of the memo. Thanks for the help in keeping me honest! 

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When the RT and company board a soulcage class chaos slaveship on a rescue mission, you unlock a cage and wake a man just as a Chaos Marine comes into the room and the man shouts "AAAAAAAAAAH, IT'S HIM!!! SAVE ME!!!!" and jumps into the Chaos Marines arm while pointing shakily at the RT.

 

This...... This made me laugh so hard! :lol:

filliman likes this

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When your dynasty has a rival, and the rogue trader makes a law that forces anyone that hears the name of their rival to spit in disgust.

 

When you invite said rival to one of your worlds and then inform him taht breaking any laws is punishable by death, thus forcing him to "spit in disgust" every time he introduces himself.

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When your dynasty has a rival that has a bounty on your RT, and the Arch-Militant / Manhunter turns the RT in for the money, and nobody suspects a thing.

Marcus102 likes this

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When your dynasty has a rival that has a bounty on your RT, and the Arch-Militant / Manhunter turns the RT in for the money, and nobody suspects a thing.

 

When this was the RT's idea, and all part of a master plan to loot his rival's trophy room.

 

 

 

When your Explorator has been acting unusually emotional and excited lately, and you're getting concerned so you start spying on him. Finally, you catch him buying jewelry planetside, and he confesses that he's going to marry his steady of the last 5 years, the most beautiful, intelligent, and kind thing he's ever met- the cogitator controlled archotech safety valve on the ship's plasma reactor.

 

When the RT pays for the wedding

 

When the head of the Lathes is the best man, and you swear you can almost see oil coming out of the corner of his bionic eyes.

 

 

 

When you're stopped by the Inquisition enroute to sell your "legally obtained merchandise" and the following conversation happens:

 

Inquisitor 1: "So, find anything?"

 

Inquisitor 2: "500 tons of Obscura, two dozen Heretek refuges, a cyclonic torpedo, and enough xeno's tech to cause a price crash on the cold trade.

 

Inquisitor 1: "You sure that's everything?"

 

Inquisitor 2: "Yup"

 

Inquisitor 1: "Wow, slow day for these guys"

 

Inquisitor 2: "Let's let them be on there way with a warning to keep toeing the line."

 

Inquisitor 1: "Agreed"

 

When both of these Inquisitors are Monodominists and members of the Redemptioners. 

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When you've conquered thousands of worlds, saved the Imperium a couple of times and come from a long and noble lineage, you still aren't welcome to stay in stay in civilized society for more than a week. Minus travel time of course.

When you don't want too.

When encountering a Xenos Cruiser is grounds for celebrating.

When all your interplanetary diplomacy is conducted with gunfire.

When you remind the Inquisition that you have carte blance and that you are only cooperating as a courtesy. And maybe they could get out if they don't like it. Sans spacesuit and/or gellar field.

Marcus102 likes this

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When your colony administration style can best be described as "A cross a between The Sims and Squat Fortress."

 

Fixed! anyway...

 

When your Explorator (assuming he isn't spock or a sociopath) is essentially Willy Wonka in a red robe.

filliman likes this

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