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You know you're playing Dark Heresy when....

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....You decide the best use for a squad of Imperial Guardsmen is to carry a potted plant.

Okay I want to hear the story

 

While on a planet, the party came across a strange vault like structure, made up of some form of crystal. The only way in was with a strange blue liquid. The blue liquid would melt the crystal for a short period of time. This allowed you to get inside. It was also the only way to get access to the items inside the vault, which were also protected. You were only given 2 viles, enough to get in and out, but not enough to get any of the treasures. The assassin we had in the party at the time had a tendency of getting in rather odd situations, and managed to fall into the deep bowels of this place. While down their she uncovered that they liquid was produced by a strange glowing blue flower. Which she shot and killed, and took the secret of this flower to her death. 

Jump forward several years, and the party returns to this planet. While searching the room of a figure of importance, they noticed several large potted plants, all containing a strange glowing blue flower. The players realized what it was instantly, however none of the characters had any remote reason to suspect them at all. Our one player was trying very hard to come up with a reason to take them, and inevitably tried to bribe the NPC guardsman with us to carry the potted planet (Far to large for any one person to carry) through a zombie infested planet while we were on mission to search for a heretical traitor psyker. Unfortunately the player was unable to come up with a good enough excuse as to why he would want it for me (the GM) to allow it. It was however, a very entertaining 30 minutes of trying to convince that a plotted plant was a valuable spoil of the inquisition. 

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- when the thief and assassin are the most experienced and knowledgeble of the party

- ... and the thief is the leader of the group

- when the warrior is more afraid of a dinner with his previous captain than a chaos space marine

- when the biggest problem is figuring an alter ego/cover up to the party's wizard (psyker)

- when you're more concerned about what the religious character is going to do then the assassin, berzerker, wizard or thief

- when you realize that no form of law enforcer can be reasoned with

- a rocket launcher and heavy machine guns are ok to walk around the city with

- Limb loss is less of a problem and more of an opportunity

- when the mafia are more honest than the lawful leaders

- when learning about technology and engineering is considered heresy, unless one belongs to the correct religious faction

- when equipment has the categories: Useless, Something, Usable, Good, HOLY S###!

- when killing is the prefered method of punishment and everything else is too much of a hassle

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- when the only ascended pc, primaris psyker/sorcerer has mastered three disciplines 

- said disciplines are biomancy, telepathy and arcana.

- said psyker teleports with the helpless blind heretek who becomes unbound daemonhost

- daemonhost dominates said psyker

- everybody else either fall catatonic from fear 4 or frenzies to attack each other

- daemonhost dominates another templar calixis psykers. 

- Phenomena helps Primaris to escape domination range by throwing everybody up and down. He is in criticals. 

- When Primaris pushes and adds additional sorcerer dices to 11 total dice and cast firestorm on daemonhost but that one already used inmmunity for flames. No perils

- Another Round, Primaris Pushes to 11 dice and finally soul kills daemonhost. No perils.

- Said templar is ultra puritan. 

- But being this is a Primaris Psyker Sorcerer, the most powerful one in that world, who would burn everything clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"

Edited by Rese

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 When you want to hit 'heretic' with your shocking baton to shut him up for a moment, but you forgot what you're holding and hit him with Dark Eldar Agoniser instead. Ouch.

 When said 'heretic' is basically only marginally worse than the player who hit him, has basically less Corrpution, less Insanity and less contact with Xeno-Tech. And he's also a Rogue Trader who just saved the lives of multiple PC's. And he's a player. Who just burned 2 Fate Points and lost his eyes (they literally exploded) to help them personally.

 When the Ordo Xenos players totally ignore Burning Princess standing 100 meters from them, saying that "Alpha+ psykers are definitely the problem of Ordo Hereticus, nothing to see here".

 ... When the Ordo Malleus players decide to ignore impending Necron invasion saying that this is definitely the problem of Ordo Xenos.

 
 ...When Ordo Hereticus players say that Alpha+ psyker who wants to become a God and currently exists in Warp more than in a realspace is not their problem - this is clearly the problem of Ordo Malleus.

 ... Ordo Xenos players decide that Necrons are too unnatural for Ordo Xenos and with their Stuff of Nightmares and such they are definitely under Ordo Malleus' jurisdiction.

 ... As an effect, the only person trying to unite everyone and give sector a marginal chance of surviving is an Daemon Prince, who is also a former Inquisitorial Adept and works under cover.
 

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 When you want to hit 'heretic' with your shocking baton to shut him up for a moment, but you forgot what you're holding and hit him with Dark Eldar Agoniser instead. Ouch.

 When said 'heretic' is basically only marginally worse than the player who hit him, has basically less Corrpution, less Insanity and less contact with Xeno-Tech. And he's also a Rogue Trader who just saved the lives of multiple PC's. And he's a player. Who just burned 2 Fate Points and lost his eyes (they literally exploded) to help them personally.

 When the Ordo Xenos players totally ignore Burning Princess standing 100 meters from them, saying that "Alpha+ psykers are definitely the problem of Ordo Hereticus, nothing to see here".

 ... When the Ordo Malleus players decide to ignore impending Necron invasion saying that this is definitely the problem of Ordo Xenos.

 

 ...When Ordo Hereticus players say that Alpha+ psyker who wants to become a God and currently exists in Warp more than in a realspace is not their problem - this is clearly the problem of Ordo Malleus.

 ... Ordo Xenos players decide that Necrons are too unnatural for Ordo Xenos and with their Stuff of Nightmares and such they are definitely under Ordo Malleus' jurisdiction.

 ... As an effect, the only person trying to unite everyone and give sector a marginal chance of surviving is an Daemon Prince, who is also a former Inquisitorial Adept and works under cover.

 

I would like to hear the story. Also, daemon prince undercover? tell me more

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 When you want to hit 'heretic' with your shocking baton to shut him up for a moment, but you forgot what you're holding and hit him with Dark Eldar Agoniser instead. Ouch.

 When said 'heretic' is basically only marginally worse than the player who hit him, has basically less Corrpution, less Insanity and less contact with Xeno-Tech. And he's also a Rogue Trader who just saved the lives of multiple PC's. And he's a player. Who just burned 2 Fate Points and lost his eyes (they literally exploded) to help them personally.

 When the Ordo Xenos players totally ignore Burning Princess standing 100 meters from them, saying that "Alpha+ psykers are definitely the problem of Ordo Hereticus, nothing to see here".

 ... When the Ordo Malleus players decide to ignore impending Necron invasion saying that this is definitely the problem of Ordo Xenos.

 

 ...When Ordo Hereticus players say that Alpha+ psyker who wants to become a God and currently exists in Warp more than in a realspace is not their problem - this is clearly the problem of Ordo Malleus.

 ... Ordo Xenos players decide that Necrons are too unnatural for Ordo Xenos and with their Stuff of Nightmares and such they are definitely under Ordo Malleus' jurisdiction.

 ... As an effect, the only person trying to unite everyone and give sector a marginal chance of surviving is an Daemon Prince, who is also a former Inquisitorial Adept and works under cover.

 

HERESY! All of that is HERESY!  :lol:

Edited by Servant of Dante

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 ...

HERESY! All of that is HERESY!  :lol:

 

 You know you're playing Dark Heresy when comments like above happen every session.

 ... and when main Facebook group for this campaign is now full of different Inquisitors accusing others of Heresy...

 ... When Rogue Trader says that he's not heretic - and than he is the ONLY person that all players agree to sentence for heresy.

 ... When all Inquisitors try to find a scapegoat to fight Necrons for them so that they don't have to...

 ... When whole story "How this all happened?!" requires at least a whole day to listen to and understand, since it took around 3 years real-time and around 20 PC's to end up like this... ;).

 ... When one of your players sells a women with extremely rare and powerful technology-manipulation abilities (from "Lathe Worlds") that happens like once per generation to Phaenonites for a simple deal - you can experiment on her and whatever with your creepy stuff, now give me some information about few things.

 ... When this backfires, said woman actually gains more strength, rips apart most Phaenonites and is going to have her revenger on the person who sold her...

 ... When this person decides that becoming a Daemon Prince is the easiest way to escape her...

 ... When basically all players decide to help her against the player who sold her...

 ... When 90% of this happens in private messages and secret Facebook groups...

 ... When only in the finale, after 3 years, everyone learns that basically everyone was preparing to betray one another...

 ... When the ONLY group with straightforward motivations is a Black Crusade Session with a Tzeentchian Heretek who sacrifices himself to stop someone from destroying both Calixis Sector and Screaming Vortex...

 ... When you know that it's time to stop spamming this thread with your session and let others post their funny things ;).

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You play Dark Herey, when

  • Your only way to ever not hate your boss is stockholm syndrom
  • You will clean the heretical cult, that indulges in welfare
    • you will prove your moral highground by doing so with human bombs
    • said human bombs may  will be teammembers
  • the GM makes bosses not based on your ability to win the fight, but by limiting your way to run away and bomb the place
  • Whenever someone reaches 0 wounds, it fills everyone with joy
    • especially, if said someone was a teammember
  • Your party usually hates each others guts
  • The most well known archetype of the entire universe, the space marine, is the thing you want to never, ever meet
  • PCs getting killed seemingly without any way to save themselve will not result in the GM beeing beaten to death, but congratulated on his realism (and than beaten to death)
  • In-term party strife is not resolved by slaying most of the monsters, but by beeing the last one standing (or more likely running)
  • you lock up 60 % of the party, so they dont blow your cover, die horribly and are happy about it
  • your parties of cutthroats , assassins and murdermachines have a complicated discussion on their different perspective to solve an issue, but the bookworm interupts and demands a frontal assault
    • he actually convinces the party using a heavy machine gun

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You play Dark Heresy when:

- Players are exhilarated to find out that someone has reached 30 corruption points and is about to roll a mutation

- The priest in the same group asks the GM to make awareness tests to spot mutations and use his flamer against players

- The psyker with the brute mutation prétends he has a new passion for bodybuilding

- Everyone stop talking when the psyker is Rolling 9s in the middle of a fight

- Tech priest, who has been kept at bay, suddenly breaks out and kills one key plot character

- Psyker spends three rounds channeling telekinetic shield to get the maximum armor bonus and show how cool he is

- Arbites  rolls 01 on fel test to convince some cutthroats that they should just go home instead and blowing their covers. "Oh... sorry, we didn't mean to"

- Fifhting with an eviscerator in a medieval world windmill nearly  resulted in destroying the whole building and having everyone killed

- The techpriest purposedly modifies the power armor's cooling system of another player who ends up catching a cold

- Guardsman's biggest hobby outside working for the inquisitor is to build miniature Lemanruss figurines

-  Psyker uses divine shot to sell 500 thrones a "lasgun that always hits the target"

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You play Dark heresy when:

 - the meat in the slaughterhouse is still alive.

 - Everything on the planet wants to plant their seed into you.

 - operating the ancient factory (by a simple puzzle) is harder than repairing your gun.

 - You get a kickass arm because tech priests wanted you to.

 - You get a 1 in 3 chance to live. meaning the gretchin with nuclear power reactor flamethrower is targeting you or your 2 comrades.

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On ‎6‎/‎06‎/‎2017 at 10:24 AM, Professor Tanhauser said:

You desperately seek information on a daemonic cult, execute any and all loyal citizens who have seen any and give it to you for witnessing daemonic activity, then wonder why it's so hard to get anyone to give your information 

Then you go radical so you can raise the dead in order to talk to their spirits. :)

 

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The party is instructed to 'blend in to the hive underworld and not draw attention to themselves'. In the first couple of sessions, the team has:

  • Hired a known convicted heretic to manage their base without asking what she was convicted of
  • Bribed and blackmailed a corrupt magistratum official
  • Started a major three-way gang war
  • Bombed a supply shuttle carrying provisions to a navy warship in orbit, killing several naval officers and bystanding administratum members
  • Carried out multiple assassinations and attempted to pin them on an Ecclesiarchal Deacon who they know has close links to a cadre of professional bounty hunters/assassins

Note that they haven't actually had a 'case' yet (well, they did at the very end of the last session, which they haven't started looking in to yet). This is all just....you know....'setting up shop'.

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11 hours ago, Magnus Grendel said:

The party is instructed to 'blend in to the hive underworld and not draw attention to themselves'. In the first couple of sessions, the team has:

  • Hired a known convicted heretic to manage their base without asking what she was convicted of
  • Bribed and blackmailed a corrupt magistratum official
  • Started a major three-way gang war
  • Bombed a supply shuttle carrying provisions to a navy warship in orbit, killing several naval officers and bystanding administratum members
  • Carried out multiple assassinations and attempted to pin them on an Ecclesiarchal Deacon who they know has close links to a cadre of professional bounty hunters/assassins

Note that they haven't actually had a 'case' yet (well, they did at the very end of the last session, which they haven't started looking in to yet). This is all just....you know....'setting up shop'.

Okay so besides Bombing of the Supply Shuttle looks the the team, is setting up shop and just going to just another minor bad guy group in the hive.  I hope the gang war opens up some contacts with the gangs to provide muscle to the team if they need it.

But I have to ask about the Supply Shuttle Bombing?

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Trying to drag the respective gangs patron noble houses into the matter too. The idea was (as I understand it) to lean on one of the commercial spaceports used by a merchant house with a naval support contract to change suppliers, then - once the initial house was really angry on having a profitable contract taken off them - blow up a supplies on the new supplier's docking pads and frame gangs known to work for the old supplier.

Unfortunately, the team's local pyromaniac wasn't paying attention to why they were trying to blow up the supplies, and kind of screwed up the timing so they were on board a navy-crewed arvus lighter at the time.

 

 

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When instead of killing the mini boss irk they instead the a very large handful of or l teeth at him and say "your hired".

And then they do the same thing to the random Gretchen they find in the armoury.

 

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