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You know you're playing Dark Heresy when....

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Gregorius21778 said:

1) You play inhabitants of a civilized world, but none knows how to operate a computer
2) Said computer is called a Logic Engine or Data Crypt
3) Said Logic Engine is believed to be “alive” and inhabited by “spirits”
4) Said Logic Engine will be destroyed in terror if it will ever act like that
 

5) Said logic engine actually is inhabited by machine spirits

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from france

you are spending your time doing math for every action, especially fight

you  average noble get bankrupt by buying a coffe  in according to economical system the way it is described

you soldier raise on a death world with a background that create a pure warmachine that will put shame to a gangrel in vampire

you universe is so "daaark" that in compare the ravenloft demi plan look like the world of barbie

they are so many oddities in weapons that you want a rewrite

your garden world  is always the target of tendrils of the nids/orks/necrons/eldar/chaos while you are here to rest

 

 

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Lightbringer said:

  • Your Boss is a secret heretic
  • You are a secret heretic
  • Neither of you know the other is a secret heretic
  • You are hunting another heretic
  • With your friends, who are possibly also heretics
  • Even your gun is heretical

I think you've been accidentally playing Paranoia this whole time... gui%C3%B1o.giflengua.gifpartido_risa.gif

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-The commander of a Land Raider Crusader (armed with twin linked heavy bolters, two sets of twin linked lascannons, hunter-killer missles and the like) wants you to drive him closer so he can "hit it with his sword!"

 

Never let anyone say that Warhammer 40K doesn't let manliness to get in the way of practicality

 

http://500motivators.com/motivate/me/drive-me-closer-i-want-to-hit-them-with-my-sword/

 

(Sorry....taking stuff from the mini's game and an internet meme for this one)

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Your spaceship pilot, who ferries you across the galaxy, and frequently engages in ship-to-ship combat is completely blind.

Your parties cleric, once drove spikes through the ears of his entire congregation so they couldn't hear the voices in his head, and he is the sanest person you know.

Your chief engineer and mechanic has 5 mechanical arms, one of which is an industrial mining drill; he is also your doctor.

 

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+ ... when player new to the universe is suprised that his character is shot/eviserated/immolated by others  without second thought if the situation requires it.

+... use phrase "heartless machine" as insult to your tech specialist, and he takes it as compliment

+... meet worm-that-walks and it tries to eat you!

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You dare to ask what really is in corpse starch rations?

Hardcore combat drug abuse is a complete acceptable career

Learning to read all those interesting things you find will give your career a Use-By date

At the start, there is usually only about a 30% chance you'll be able to do anything considered challenging

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  • ...there is a load of insanity penalties to hamper your pc for having seen and learned things he was not meant to
  • ...but Paranoia is actualy a beneficial talent
  • ...while Flagellations is actually more harm then good
  • ...except you bought another rules books with new equipment

 

  • ...a confession a day keeps the nervous breakdown away
  • ...but only if you get oiled up with a monthly income worth of lotion, potions and good worded prayers
  • ...the majority of all the other fans and players find it odd that you are finding this odd

 

  • ... a mediocre food item/meal with absolutely no raw-given benefit is more costely then a clip of ammo for your assault rifle
  • ... a dose of a stimulat will buy you more then a dozen clips for said assault rifle
  • ..in the first version, a dose of the "common workers favorite drug" robbed a nobleborn of more then half of his/her montly surplus money.

 

  • ...your gun bunnies yearn to get hold of a bolter
  • ... you make your Inquisitor gift them some; but they are to purchase the ammo
  • ...which makes them stop yearning and start thinking since a full clip is more then there montly income
  • ...which makes them reluctant to fire the weapon...while facing a daemon host

 

  • ...you have a group of four with two 40K-TTG-veterans, a learned roleplayer and a newbee to both
  • ...and is the neebee who thought about turning to the local priesthood for some blessing after

    a run-in with a daemonhost and perhaps more of such stuff to come!

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+... when there are two players, one of which want to play a male Sister of Battle and second female Space Marine!

+... and of course, scenario prepared by GM is about undercover infiltration in techno-mercantile circles... 

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+... dead people are parts.

+... when your cleric needs to roll on the shock table when drinking alcohol

+... and not murdering the group´s psyker

+... or go to battle in anything else then a red dress

+... armed with a two-handed power AND chainsword

+... that he is more likely to cut himself with as the vile mutant he is facing.

+... the cleric has more mutations then the mutant he is facing

+... if he knew that he would have to roll on the shock table AGAIN.

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+ your rank one feral world human guardsman has a higher life expectancy than a level 20 half- celestial elf paladin, despite the guardsman facing daemons more often than the pally

+ it's considered socially acceptable to scour a key agri world of all life on the off chance that one man was a heretic, but it is a grave sin to admit to knowing how to read a dead language.

+ everyone in the cell knows that their inquisitor is a secret heretic who is sending them on missions that will bring all the traitor primarchs either back to life or out of the Eye of Terror.

+ everyone in the cell is unaware that the other cell members know

+nobody knows what to do.

+ nobody sees the irony in this.

+ You seriously debate whether eating is more important than ammo.

+ nine times out of ten, you know that one of you is going to die when your inquisitor is smiling warmly.

+ the tech priest, who is 70% machine now and has carved out the parts of his brain that process emotion, is considered to be the most humanitarian person in the group.

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+When Hatred is a good thing

+Paranoia is not just a talent, its a survival skill

+Everybody stands near the psyker rather then cleric, cause they're afraid of when he frenzy's

+said Cleric killed three nobles during a shoot out cause they were armed and between him and cultists, and no one complains

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Last gaming sessions debacle...

"Good Guys"

  • The PC assassin with the custom sniper-cannon (ironically) gets shot by a rubbish heretic guardsmen with a dodgy modified long las made out of "some **** that was lying around" and is severely injured
  • The PC guardsmen with the heavy weapon everyone is counting on dealing with said dirty heretics, critically fails a fear check and goes apeshit... and starts hosing up the PC's with the large automatic weapon
  • The PC Imperial Sanctioned Psyker gives the other PC's more corruption points with perils thant the insane rogue witch they're facing
  • The PC Scholar does more damage to the crazy PC guardsmen with his gun than any of the enemy does.
  • The PC Arbiter passes out from fear & fatigue in a flooded creek and is stopped from drowning by the PC Scum
  • 70% of the PC's aren't wearing an easily obtained (or didnt bring with them and their existing) survival suit in a hostile tropical environment... fatigue sets in rapidly on their corn-fed arses.

"Bad Guys"

  • Half the six rubbish heretic guardsmen with dodgy las guns manage to survive and run away
  • Their (apparently) fearless rogue witch leader manages to hold off a PC assassin armed with power blades and nearly twice his WS level for 5 full combat rounds where the PC was getting 4 attacks a round (but fails to roll below a 60...)
  • The rogue witch, now an NPC legend (in my own mind) manages in over 15 combat rounds of continous psy power abuse only gets ONE peril, which sadly came as he was bum rushed by 4 PC's after being whiffed at by the above assassin
  • Heroic rebel forces, outnumbered, vastly outgunned that crash landed in a terrible foreign land hold off the forces of the imperium for long enough that their core leadership escapes into the wilderness to continue with "Plan A". Hurrah the force (of chaos) is with us!

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 -You're allied with the main villan because he has heretical tech.

-The main bad guy is an Inquisitor, your boss is an interrogator

-The Noble born scum is the most deadly person, not because of his own abilities, but because he can recruit whole armies.

-Your assassin ends up killing an eldar on accident

-Your the only member of the party who realizes the biggest threat to mankind is religion.

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MKX said:

 

  • Chainswords, because a light sabre just isn't messy enough to prove your point 

- Your cyborg makes Darth Vader look like a pansy.

- Compared to the stuff your party does in the name of good, Darth Vader is a pansy.

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MKX said:

 

  • Chainswords, because a light sabre just isn't messy enough to prove your point 

- Your cyborg makes Darth Vader look like a pansy.

- Compared to the stuff your party does in the name of good, Darth Vader is a pansy.

 

 

May I add your quotes to my signature?

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When to kill a few cultists the easy answer is to viral bomb the planet.

When it quickly becomes the ONLY option as you keep playing.

 

While demons are feared monsters you've fought the same demon so many times you're on a first name basis and both agree to stop for food before fighting.

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- When a player's pc is founded in stasis pod with a name Chaos (spell like haos), who just want secretly to destroy universe.

- When said psyker takes dark pact, which gives his laspistol to couse perils of the warp on target when the number of roll is odd and when anybody other wants to take that las pistol from psyker. Result: near wipeout of acolytes, major daemon incursions.

- When said psyker is too paranoid and keeps living through at least 6 campaigns while his collegues who either fail/die or are killed by the same psyker.

- When said psyker become sorcerer, gets possessed, exorcised, mind cleansed and ascended to primaris, throne agent, gets assigned to investigate a case and be a leader of simple acolyte cell. Cant talk normally because his fellowship is below grox, so orders his hummingowl familiar to fetch paper notes to acolytes.

- When said psyker uses Telepathy (power) with Warp Corruption (arcana) broadcast in 6 km range in mountains where rebels hide because it is easier than to find them.

Edited by Rese

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- When bribing a planetary governor is a mundane side quest. 
- When you offer the party psyker the power "Summon spacehulk" If they kill the party in the name of chaos. 
- When a simple side quest ends with the purging of thousands of innocent civilians, and is considered a success.
- When your party assumes every bad guy they face is terrifying enough to kill them all, and to be fair, they are probably right. 

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- When bribing a planetary governor is a mundane side quest. 

- When you offer the party psyker the power "Summon spacehulk" If they kill the party in the name of chaos. 

- When a simple side quest ends with the purging of thousands of innocent civilians, and is considered a success.

- When your party assumes every bad guy they face is terrifying enough to kill them all, and to be fair, they are probably right. 

WOuld like to hear how that power works :D

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When you believe your gun has a soul but the dozen or so people you just killed with it were soulless heretics.

When you kidnap children to ship them off to have their souls drained away in agony and call yourselves the good guys.

When massacring an entire family because one member might have possibly read a forbidden document is fine but farting in church can get you flogged.

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You know you're playing Dark Heresy, ...

 

- when you make your armed henchman 'assume the position' so his cranial implant can substitute for a receiver dish to call in an air strike against heretics and mutants hordes...

- ...just fifteen freaking yards away from your position!

- when your Adeptas Sororitas group member is more often below half wounds due to self-flaggelation rather than combat.

- when the word 'Exterminatus' is more often spoke out loud than 'parley'...

- ...or 'mercy', for that matter.

- when plans start to get formed to overthrow, and then assume his or her identity, you governing inquisitor...

- ...at the latest by the second session.

- when players are chanting litanies of hatred rather than combat plans while killing filthy xenos scum.

- when one player at least tries to sneak in a young male character, and throws him into the thickest fighting in hopes of becoming Adeptus Astartes.

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