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Wazat

The X-Wing TIE PUN-isher thread

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The TIE Punisher is the ultimate Dad Ship, so I'm dedicating a thread to bad Star Wars X-Wing puns.  Please contribute!

(I'm transferring these from this thread so I'm not continually interrupting that discussion.)

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Vader: You there!  What are you doing?  Why aren't you assaulting the base?

Redline: You said to stop loafing about, so now I'm jammed.

Vader: YOU WOULD BE WISE TO--

Emperor: Vader, allow me to handle this...  YOU!  *waves hand, low growl* Make me a sandwich!

Redline: *barrel rolls* POOF!  You're a sandwich!

Emperor: hhhhhhAH HAH HAH!

Vader: *slow, annoyed breathing*

---

Sigma: Sigma Squadron Pilot Reporting For Duty!

Ciena: Good.  I need you to... What is this?

Sigma: Sausages!  Do you like it?

Ciena: ....Why did you paint your entire ship like this?

Sigma: You said I'm the wurst pilot you've ever seen!

Ciena: (speaking quietly into radio) We need to restrict Sigma Squadron's painting privileges immediately.

---

Vader: What did you find in the asteroid belt?

Cutlass: 2 out of 5.  Very spacious, but no atmosphere.

Vader: Rebels!  Did you find the Rebels!?

Cutlass: I found them to be humorless, so I sent them home.

Vader: You didn't even engage them?!

Cutlass: Of course not!  I'm happily married to my work!

Vader: *slow, annoyed breathing*  You will comb every inch of that asteroid belt...

Cutlass: Why, is IT getting married?

Emperor: ah ah ah ah aaaaaahhhhhhhh...!

Vader: .....*slow.....annoyed breathing*

---

Redline: I've never fired a Homing Missile before, so I decided to give it a shot!

Vader: Get to the point.

Redline: Well it MISS-ed.  So I tried to ionize him, but I couldn't keep my eye-on him!

Vader: Did you destroy the rebel outpost or not?!

Redline: Luckily I'd packed my other tube with Taun-Tauns.  I'm very pro-taun torpedoes.

Vader: *raising fist* You have failed me for the last time!

Redline: gck... Vader... get a grip....

Emperor: ah ah ah ah aaaaaahhhhhhhh...!

Vader: AAARRRGH!

---

Deathrain: Ima drop DA BOMB!

Soontir: WHAT?!  NO!  I'M RIGHT HERE YOU IDIOT!

Deathrain: My sister's PREGnant!!!  WOOOOO!!!  I'm gonna have a nephew!

Soontir: I umm...  You seriously shouldn't joke about bombing me.

Deathrain: I'm sorry man, did I cross a red line?

Redline: Naw bro, I thought it was funny!

---

X-Wing: Okay Command, enemy's on radar.  We've got one TIE Punisher, Two TIE Fighters...

Redline: Excuse me, I identify as a TIE/ca Punisher.

X-Wing: ...I'm sorry, I didn't know that had changed.

Redline: Man it's fine.  So... what do you identify as?

X-Wing: Uhhh?  Well I'm an X-Wing...

Redline: Yea but if you're an ex-wing, what did you become after that?

X-Wing: ................ So as I was saying, two TIE Fighters, a Lambda...

---

Jake: *regains a charge on missile*  Hah!  I can keep this up all day!

Academy Pilot:  Dammit!  How do I keep him from charging?!

Redline: Well just insist on cash only.

Academy Pilot: ?!?

Redline, narrating: And that's how A-wings lost Reload.

---

TIE Bomber: *drops Conner Net*

Leia: You, Z-95!  Ram that Net to clear it out!

Z-95: Yes Sir!  *bzzt!  boom!*

TIE Bomber: Dude, that was cold!

Leia: Cold!?  You ruthless monsters blew up an entire planet!  That soldier gave his LIFE for...

TIE Bomber: AAAAAHahaha!  Listen to how mad she is!

Redline: No wait, she's right.  Ruth defected to their side.

TIE Bomber: ...???

---

Bomber: Hey HWK!  How'd you like the Death Star Cannon?  I hear it was a GROUND BREAKING invention!

Redline: *clap clap clap*

Bomber: It was quite the show, Alderan was dying to see it!

Jan: *rotates arc to bomber*

Bomber: dodges with barrel roll

Redline: You're on a roll!

Jan: *rotates, fires and hits bomber*

Bomber: Crap, that's ignited the fuel leak!  *boom*

Redline: HAHAHA!  YOU'RE ON FIRE!!!

Jan: You're next!

Redline: Actually I'm Redline, nice to meet ya!

---

Sigma: "Hey X-Wing"

X-Wing: "...what?"

Sigma: "Stop dodging, you know I can't hit you with a miss-ile!"

X-Wing: "Uugggh..."

---

Sigma: B-Wing!  Hey B-Wing!  Where's your b-wing buddy?  Has he finally answered the question?

X-Wing: ....I... what question?

Sigma: 2 b or not 2 b-wings!

X-Wing: *pause and radio static*....please get off this channel.

---

Howlrunner: Looks like they're going for a classic joust.  Stay close and focus your fire--

Redline: I dunno, the commander is a Mon Calamari.

Howlrunner: What of it?

Redline: It's a little fishy.

---

Kagi: Pilot, your movement is erratic.  Are you okay?

Deathrain: I'm reading this book on anti-gravity.  It's impossible to put down. *rrrip* Oh, nevermind it's tearable.  Crisis averted!

Kagi: Haha, yes soldier.  I'd like you in formation.

Deathrain: I'd like you in a nice dress!

Kagi: (quietly on radio) ...yes sir, we're having another discipline problem.

---

Redline: *inspecting 0-0-0* Yea Vader, your old droid is just okay.  His manufacturer was barely satis-factory.

C-3PO: Did... did I just get served?

Redline: WE DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND HERE!

---

Sigma: So turns out not even that pirate could fire on us while cloaked.  He couldn't see himself doing it.

Vader: .....

---

Sabine: TADA!  My masterpiece is complete!  So everyone, how does this look?

Redline: *chimes in on radio* With its eyes, silly!

Sabine: *pouting* Please get off this channel.

---

Vader: I don't understand why the emperor always sends me to debrief you.

Redline: WHOA, if this is getting kinky, I'll need a safeword.

---

Deathrain: Yea, those rebels were NUTs but my bomb cracked them.  They were pretty salty.

Redline: I get that you Assaulted some Nuts.  But when was Crack Shot involved?  *snrrrrk!*

Deathrain: Are you alright?

Redline: No, I'm half left silly!

Sabine: ....PLEASE get off this channel.

---

Sabine: Okay, we're on a new channel, and I think we're ready to start testing this captured TIE.

Soldier: *ksh* Please help, I'm stranded on Hoth!

Sabine: Hang on there, we're sending a ship!  What happened?

Soldier: My tauntaun fell and can't giddyup!

Sabine: Redline!

Redline: I tried to follow some guys walking into a bar, but they became suspicious when I ducked.  I had to hide in their camp, it was in tents!

Sabine: Get off this channel.  Stop Taun-ting me.

Redline: ....That was a good try.

Sabine: I know, I had to put the bad ones down.

Redline: You have much to learn, padowan.

Sabine: *yelling* I've already learned padowan, now I'm learning Mon Calamari.

Redline: ...*single tear of joy*

---

Redline: Yea, as part of my training I've flown almost all rebel ships, to learn their weaknesses.  Except Y-Wings.  I don't know Y.

Ciena: Again, please get off this channel.

---

Vader: How did the prisoner escape their cell?!

Sigma: They asked to use a Cell Phone.  How could I refuse?

Vader: YOU let the Mon Calamari commander escape!?  Find them NOW!

Sigma: Man you're needy.  And I thought the prisoner was shellfish.

---

Deathrain: ...And that's just the half of it!

Lambda: Please stop interrupting our communications!  We're in the middle of an operation!

Deathrain: Really?  Open-heart or cosmetic?

Lambda: Command, please cut Deathrain's communications.

Deathrain: Cut them with what?  Personally I like a bit of wine with my cheese, so the current conversation is perfect!

---

Acadamy Pilot: Redline, you're supposed to be giving us the mission briefing!

Redline: I just did.  Wasn't that brief enough?

Acadamy Pilot: No, how are we supposed to fight the rebels?!

Redline: ....with your lasers?

---

Deathrain: And so I said, why barrel roll?  Who uses barrels today?  I mean maybe drum, but I can't be in a musical after I lost my singing voice...

Lambda pilot: *pulling hair out* Why?! WHY WHY WHY!?

Redline: Whoa buddy, that's a lotta Y-Wings!  We need backup!

Deathrain: Alright everybody, back up!

Sigma: We can't!  We're not Quadrijets!

Deathrain: Forward it is then!  Charge!

Redline: I'm full on charges, I'll go first!

Lambda: *exasperated* ......how is it that they all outrank me?

---

 

In my headcannon I've started seeing TIE PUNishers as sassy, insubordinate, and infuriating DAD jokers that drive everyone crazy, but they have the Emperor's support because he loves their puns.  So no one can escape them, no one can get rid of them.  They're firmly seated in the galaxy's powerful Empire, and their numbers are growing (cheaper cost in 2.0!).

Which paints the Empire in a whole new light.  ^_^

 

That should get us started.  Your turn!  Or it'd be awesome if someone turned these into comics or animated gifs.  We need a picture of a TIE Punisher with dad glasses and mustache to complete the look.

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I'm AdmiralKirk, and this is my favorite thread on the X-Wing Forums.

---

Redline: Guysguysguys, watch this! Does a 0-stop

Gamma 3: Yeah, we know, Redline. You showed us three times yesterday.

Redline: No way the Rebels can stop me if I beat them to it!

Jonus: Redline, you're distracting the other pilots. Could you dial it down, please?

Redline: But I don't have a reverse maneuver!

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Tie Reaper: Ok, tie punisher squad, I'll get in close with the rebels, and cut off all communications. Cover me on the Approach!

Punisher: Ok, but which one will you CUTLASS!

Reaper: will you jus-

Punisher: CUT it out? 

Emperor palpatine, on the reaper: Ahahaha!

Reaper pilot: please don't FORCE me to do this

Emeperor: Why? Take it as my TOKEN of appreciation for your services!

Reaper: Can we just FOCUS? *puts in CD for calming and focusing music*

Punisher: Hey... Hey Reaper...Hey 

Reaper: What?

Punisher: I bet thats your JAM!

Reaper: IF YOU KEEP THIS UP, THE REBELS WILL KILL US!

punisher: Really! I thought you were pretty FAIR OFF! (feroph)

Reaper: when we get back, I'm locking you in executor's brig

Punisher: I thought I was the one supposed to be LOCKING!

Ta-da!

 

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*Triple Auzituck fleet approaching*

Redline: Hah, so three Auzitucks walk into a bar...

Omicron Pilot: Yea?

Redline: *bonk* "Ow!", *bonk* "Zee!", *bonk* "TUCK!"

Omicron Pilot: ....    Are we going to fight them or are you just gonna tell jokes all day?

Redline: I can do both.

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Omicron Pilot: Heads-up, those scum have a Black Sun Soldier and some kinda YT-1300.

Redline: Black Son?  Whitey?  Hey now, we don't call out skin color in the Empire.  We're all humans here.

Omicron Pilot: No, I...

Redline: Save that hatred for the Rebel scum.

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Academy Pilot: That IG-2000 has been going after Norra Wexley for hours, can't land a hit.

Redline: Well of course, she can just IG-Norra damage every round.

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Cutlass Pilot: No missiles today, just give me a Heavy Laser Cannon.

Technician: But... TIE Punishers can't equip cannons?

Cutlass Pilot: Oh, I was sure I could...  Is that not canon?

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Posted (edited)

Chiraneau: Have you sighted our targets yet on the long-range scanners?

Redline: Well it's definitely a Firespray and a Y-Wing, but I don't think it's them.  I know how Emon and Norra fly.  Pretty sure they're not Mon Calamari either.

Chiraneau: So they're...

Redline: Not A Mon, Nor a Wexley.

Edited by Wazat

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Posted (edited)

......I hate all of you. 🙄🙂

 

  • A Clone V-19 pilot walks into a bar and asks the Barman "have you seen my wingman?". The Barman asks "Dunno. What does he look like?"
  • A Jawa Outlaw Tech walks into a bar. What does he order? Martini!
  • I can't open the new rules reference .pdf with the updates for purple actions in it. I blame Adobe-Wan Kenobi. 
  • Chewie was able to find the Empire's secret plans without anyone else's help. Turns out they'd been posted on Wookieeleaks. 
  • What do you call an invisible protocol droid? C-through-PO

 

 

 

On 8/11/2018 at 3:21 AM, Wazat said:

We need a picture of a TIE Punisher with dad glasses and mustache to complete the look.

You know, I'd love to see the ships from the "Disneys' X-wings" trailer, so why not? 

 

Edited by Magnus Grendel

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