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flyboymb

How to make The Phantom Menace an epic movie.

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After doing at least a better job at Star Trek: Nemesis than the actual writers of the film, I figured it was time to give myself a true challenge to fanfictionry. I pondered for days about how to make a movie that was 90% politics, cheesy lines, spinning, and Jar Jar into something that fans could really appreciate. I promptly gave up on that and just stuck in Orks, Tau, and all the other 40k stuff instead. I tried my best to follow the lines of the movie but there's just some parts that were too unOrky to escape the chopping room floor.

Please don't Quote this BTW, it'll balloon the topic up to 37 pages or something and might get it locked. Copy it to other sites as you desire, just please use my moniker so I can have the everlasting stigma attached to me.

So without further ado, here is:

 

STAR WAAAAAAAAAAGH!

DA FANTUM MENORKACE

DA GALACTIC REPUBLIK IZ ALL KINDS OF MUCKED UP.

SMASHIN THE TEEF OF ALL THE RUNTY FOLKS ‘AS ‘EM ALL

READY FOR FIGHTIN’. DEM BLUE BOYZ DONE TOOK ALL THEIR

SHIPS AND ARE ABOUT TO SHOOT UP SUM HUMEE PLANET

CALLED NABOO. WHILES DA SMARTBOYZ OF DA REPUBLIK BE

GABBIN’ ABOUT STUFF, DA WARBOSS DUN SENT TWO

NOBY ORKS, DA TOUGHEST ORKIEST GROGSWILLAS IN DA

GALAXY, TA CRACK SUM SKULLS TILL DA BLUE BOYS ZOG OFF...

As the giant wall of text flies off into space, the camera pans down to a small ship covered with as many guns as physically possible flying haphazardly toward a large yellow ship. It is going at great speed due to being painted red.

NOBY MASTAH: OI KAPTAIN

KAPTAIN: WHAT IZZIT YA GROT?

NOBY MASTAH: TELL THEM BOYZ WEZ COMMIN ABOARD

KAPTAIN: I’LL DO IT WHENS IZ GOOD AND READY

The Kaptain hits a button and the blue face of an Etherial appears.

KAPTAIN: LISTEN ‘ERE YOU RUNTY LITTLE GIT. WEZ EITHER GONNA LAND IN YUR SHIP OR WEZ GONNA BUST INTO THE SIDE OF IT. DEEZ BOYZ WAS SENT BY DA WARBOSS.

N’ute Aun’ray: Ah, well then by all means land. As you know, our blockade serves the Greater Good. But we would be happy to receive the Republic’s ambassadors.

The Ork ship approaches the Tau battleship and docks in the enormous main hangar bay. And by dock, I mean it promptly snapped its front landing gear, skidded on its nose, and smashed into the rear wall with its engines still going full blast. Eventually it sputtered to a stop as Air Caste crew members scrambled out with firefighting gear. The door to the Ork ship slowly opens, then promptly gets kicked off its hinges. Two scruffy Orks jump out looking for a fight. A Water Caste representative comes before them and bows.

Water Caste: I’m Kor’See’fourun’ten at your service. This way please.

They follow her to a small room with a conference table and she motions them to sit.

Kor’See: I hope you honored sirs will be most comfortable here. The Etherial will be with you shortly.

The two Orks promptly put their feet up on the table and start scratching in various places. The older of the two is KWY-GUN GROG who is a venerable 13 years old (well that’s old for an Ork!). He has a Squig tail nailed into the back of his head to resemble a ponytail. The other is OBI-WAAAGH NOBY he’s pretty much straight out of his pod and smells faintly of rancid milk.

OBI: IZ DON’T LIKE DIS BOSS!

KWY-GUN: WUTZ YOU YAPPIN ABOUT?

OBI: I DUNNO, WEZ JUST SITTIN’ ‘ERE AND AIN’T DOIN ANY THUMPIN’!

KWY-GUN: SHUT YER YAP YA GIT! WEZ GONNA WAIT FER DAT BLUE BOY BOSS TA GET DOWN ‘ERE DEN WE’LL THUMP HIM GOOD.

OBI: WEIRDBOY GROTTA SEZ I SHOULD ALWAYZ BE LOOKIN’ FER A FIGHT.

KWY-GUN: GROTTA IZ A ZOGGIN GROT. IF HE DIDN’T ZAPP DA FACES OFF ANYONE HE DIN’T LIKE, ID’A SMASHED ‘IM MESELF.

OBI: HEY BOSS! WUT YOU THINK DAT BLUE BOY GONNA DO WHEN WE TELL ‘IM WEZ GONNA SNAP HIS PUNY NECK?

KWY-GUN: ‘E PROBABLY GONNA DROPS ON ‘IMSELF. EVERYBODY KNOWS BLUE BOYZ CAN’T FIGHT!

Meanwhile, on the bridge, the Etherial N’ate Aun’ray and Captain Shas’tay D’ofine are stunned as the Water Caste representative brings them news about their guests.

Aun’ray: (shaken) What?!? What did you say?

Kor’See: I believe the Ambassadors are NOBY Orks honored Etherial.

D’ofine: Oh, this is not good! If they decide to fight we’re doomed!

Aun’ray: We must buy time while I contact Lord Tzeentchious. Send your Fire Warriors down there to occupy them.

D’ofine: Kor’See, you must distract them while my troops take position.

Kor’See: (Gulp).

The two NOBYs grow restless at the conference table.

OBI: IZ GETTING’ TIRED OF WAITIN’ BOSS

Kor’See enters the room with a platter of food and drinks.

KWY-GUN: ZOG IT, IT’S TIME TA SMASH!

The two NOBYS pull out two handles. With a push of a button, a loud series of clanking noises is heard with a flurry of moving metal. After it stops, and with a complete disregard for the laws of physics, the interior of the handles each have produced a huge nasty choppa. The platter smashes to the floor as Kor’See realizes that the door was locked behind her. Meanwhile on the bridge the Etherial and his Captain stand before an obscured figure.

Darth Tzeentchius: What is it?

D’ofine: This scheme of yours has failed Lord Tz-WHAT IS HAPPENIAGEAJGAOEIGAEJOGJ!

Darth Tzeentchius: DON’T EVER TELL ME THAT A PLAN IS FAILING!

D’ofine’s head rapidly degrades into a mass of writhing tentacles prompting the Aun’ray to order nearby Fire Warriors to rapidly dispatch of him.

Tzeentchius: Ahem. This turn of events is exactly as I have foreseen it. Begin landing your troops.

Aun’ray: My Lord, is that… for the Greater Good?

Tzeentchius: I will make it the Greater Good.

Aun’ray: And the… NOBYs?

As Aun’ray finished the sentence, an alarm started blaring indicating a security breach inside the ship.

Tzeentchius: I think you know what you need to do.

Aun’ray: Bring all internal defenses online!

In the main hangar, the Ork Kaptain was hammering a piece of mangled deck onto a sizeable hole caused by his controlled crash. Noticing movement out of the corner of his eye, he turns his head to see a number of plasma cannons lowering from the ceiling.

KAPTAIN: WHAT THA ZOG?

The Ork Kruiser is instantly turned from a semi-working junkheap to a nonworking junkheap as the Kaptain flies in two dozen different directions. Meanwhile, in the corridor outside the conference room, an assembly of Fire Warriors nervously hold their weapons at the ready as the door is dented further and further due to repeated blows from the inside. The doors eventually break open and a thick cloud of green gas pours out of the room. The Fire Warriors bring their weapons to the ready as a figure moves out. It is Kor’see. She is grabbing her throat while brown foam pours from her mouth and her skin begins to blister. She is rapidly run over by the two other occupants of the room as they charge towards the surprised guards.

OBI & KWY-GUN: WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

With numerous swings of their choppas the NOBYs begin to *THIS PORTION OF THE STORY HAS BEEN CENSORED BY THE ECCLESIARCY*

KWY-GUN: DAT WAS RIGHT IMPROPA FOR YAS TA DO IN DA PRESETS OF DAT BLUE GAL.

OBI: IZ SORRY BOSS. WHENS I AIN’T GOT STUCK IN FOR AWHILE I’S STARTS TO GET THA GROG GUTS.

All this is being observed by the crew on the bridge via a monitor.

Aun’ray: Ah, this is no good. We must seal off the bridge!

Fire Warrior: That won’t be enough honored Etherial.

Aun’ray: Send in the XV-88’s.

Outside the bridge the hallways are being remodeled with pieces of numerous Fire Warriors. The NOBYs look to be having a downright joyful time. KWY-GUN takes a second to look at the bridge door then swings his choppa into it, putting a large gash in the metal.

Aun’ray: Close the blast doors!

Huge armored doors slam shut over the battered bridge doors, followed by a second, third, fourth, and fifth. A long slurry of guttural cursing can be heard even through all the barricades and a rapid thumping noise starts to reverberate through the doors.

Fire Warrior: Noble Etherial, I think you just made him angrier.

Aun’ray: How is such a thing possible?

In the opposite end of the hallway, a different kind of thudding starts to join in with KWY-GUN’s enraged attacks on the blast doors. OBI stops punching the shattered helmet of a Fire Warrior to look at the approaching noise and drops both the battered Tau and his own jaw. Two massive mech suits lumber into the (exceedingly large) hallway and smash their feet into the deck floor to stabilize their charging of the two huge rail guns on top of their shoulders.

OBI: UM BOSS…

KWY-GUN: SHADDUP YA GROT, I'Z TRYIN’ TA BASH DIS DOOR IN.

OBI: YOUZ BETTER LOOKS AT DIS…

KWT-GUN: WHAT IZ IT YA STOOPID… OH BY MORK DAT BE A WHOLE LOT OF DAKKA. LEG IT!

The two NOBYs barrel down the hall as huge slugs of metal are launched from the mechs. Through their keen instincts of avoiding getting shot up, they manage to avoid the slugs. The deck floor has no such luck however and takes a direct hit. It collapses underneath the two NOBYs and they fall into a hangar below. On the bridge, Aun’ray smiles with an intense sense of self-satisfaction.

Aun’ray: Those brutes were unable to match the might of our technology!

Fire Warrior: Noble Etherial, I think you should observe this.

Aun’ray: What is it? What!? What are they doing!?

On the screen, the Etherial watched as the two NOBYs climbed onboard the detached engine of a Hammerhead Gunship. The older Ork drives his choppa into the top of it causing it to charge up. Then the NOBYs jump inside a maintenance panel as the engine, unhindered by the ship it was usually attached to, rapidly shoots out of the hangar, punching through a departing Devilfish, and towards the planet below.

Aun’ray: What a foolish pair. There is no way they will survive the impact. It is a great relief that they are no longer aboard the ship.

Air Caste Com Officer: Noble Etherial, a transmission from the planet.

Fire Warrior: It is Governor Amadalius herself.

Aun’ray: At last we are getting results.

On the view screen, Governor Amadalius appears sitting on an ornate chair with an Aquila symbol ornamenting the top. She is surrounded by a number of her ruling council members plus four servitors.

Aun’ray: A pleasure to hear from you again Governor.

Amadalius: Shut your heretical mouth foul xeno! You have exactly one hour to vacate this system before the taint of your fleet is wiped from our orbit.

Aun’ray: I do not believe that our fleet is in any such danger.

Amadalius: I know that the Chancellor sent his disgusting Ork lapdogs to deprive you of your worthless life. If you leave now you may just escape with it intact.

Aun’ray: I’m afraid there has been no contact with any representatives from the Senate.

Amadalius’ eyes narrowed.

Amadalius: Listen here you filth. I will not sit here idly while you transgress onto the holy grounds of the Imperium of Man. In the name of the God Emperor of Mankind, YOU WILL…

An advisor suddenly appeared at the governor’s ear and sounds of whispering echoed through the speakers on the bridge. The governor’s eyes shot open and she turned to the advisor with a hissed ‘WHAT’? The advisor nodded his head. The governor rolled her eyes and turned her attention back towards the Etherial.

Amadalius: Ahem… the… Senate will hear about this on… Coruscant.

Aun’ray: I assure you we would never do this without the Senate’s blessings.

Amadalius: We will see (what do you mean there’s no Emperor? What kind of heresy is this?).

The screen flickers off as she starts to berate her advisors.

Fire Warrior: She’s right, the Senate will never…

Aun’ray: It is too late to stop us.

Fire Warrior: Do you think she suspects our attack?

Aun’ray: We must make sure any suspicions do not endanger our plans. Instruct the Air Caste to block all communications.

In the Governor’s Palace on the surface of Naboo, Amadalius is in communication with her planet’s Senator, Palpatiniel.

Palpatiniel: …The Orks haven’t started their ‘negotiations’ with the Etherial? How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor…his Orks did arrive. It must be the… get… negotiatiate…

Palpatiniel is having a great deal of difficulty speaking when suddenly what looks like a foot-long forked tongue begins to work its way out of his mouth.

Amadalius: Senator Palpatiniel? What’s happening?

Palpatiniel: NOFFING!

The screen coincidentally begins to flicker with increasing amounts of static. Before it is lost entirely, a faint ‘Jus as panned’ can be heard.

Commissar Painaka turns to his Sergeant

Painaka: Have whomever is on communications duty put before a firing squad.

Councilor: A communications disruption can mean only one thing. A warp storm. Or invasion.

Amadalia: The Tau would not dare go that far.

Painaka: The Senate would launch an Exterminatus on all of their worlds, and they’d be finished.

Amadalius: We must continue to rely on the courage and fighting prowess of our Imperial Guardsmen.

Councilor: Courage and fighting prowess? Have you taken leave of your senses you loon? The Imperial Guard couldn’t fight its way out of a *BLAM*.

Painaka: Insulting the Astra Militarum and the Governor are both capital offences traitorous dog!

Councilor2: Need I remind you again that the death penalty is outlawed on this planet?

Painaka: Oh right… old habits…

Amadalius: We’ll chalk it up to planetary emergency and pencil in that he died defending the palace. Now get the Guardsmen ready and to their stations.

End of Act I

So that's all I could cobble together before sleep deprivation started to take my sanity. If you like it, I'll continue. If it sucks, well I'll go back to the Gunboat thread with my tail between my legs.

 

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Not what I was expecting at all... 

 

Anyway, I'd have done TPM a bit differently:

1. Darth Maul doesn't die in the movie (I know he got resurrected) and is one of the main antagonist throughout the trilogy.

2. Anakin isn't a little kid, he would be around the same age as Padme. That makes the future romance between the two a bit less creepy and more believable. Also, it makes his piloting of the N-1 fighter at the end less silly.

3. He doesn't build C3-PO. In fact neither C3 or R2 is in the movie at all.

4. The Gungans don't have a silly speech partner. This will make Jar Jar way less irritating.

5. Jar Jar isn't a goofball but a skilled Gungan warrior, but still with a sense of humor to bring in some comic relief. Think K2-SO, not Curly from the 3 Stooges.

6. WAY LESS CGI. I was fine with Yoda being a puppet.

7. The Battle Droids don't say "Roger Roger". In fact they don't speak English at all. They make Beeps and **** like R2-D2. Make them more like actual battledroids.

I would probably have some others, but its been years since I've seen the film.

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ACT II

On the surface of Naboo, 3 Devilfish slowly descend through the cloud cover of the perpetually gray twilight side of the planet. One by one, the Tau warships land in the eerie swamp. XV-8 Crisis Battlesuits emerge from the landing craft as a half dozen Stealthsuits fly by. The Tau invasion force moves out of the swamp and onto a grassy plain. Shas’OOM-Nine, in his battlesuit, looks out over the vast army marching across the rolling hills. A small hologram of Aun’ray and his Fire Warrior escort appears on his console.

Shas’OOM: Yes, Noble Etherial?

Fire Warrior: Shas’la, we have searched the ship and there is no trace of the NOBYs. They may have gotten onto the planet.

Shas’OOM: If they are down here, sir, we will find them.

Aun’ray: Use caution. These NOBYs are not to be underestimated.

Back in the Naboo swamp, there is a blinding flash and a loud explosion. The remains of the Hammerhead engine lay smoldering on the ground. The two NOBYs jump from the rubble and observe their surroundings. Their attention is drawn to the splattered remains of a some creature with long ears and eye stalks.

OBI: WAT’S DIS?

KWY-GUN: LOOKS LIKA STOOPID GIT. PROLLY A GUD TING WEZ SMASHED ‘IM

OBI: SO WAT WE DO NOW BOSS?

KWY-GUN: WEZ GETZ TO DA HUMEE BASE.

OBI: WEZ GONNA SAVE THA HUMEES BOSS?

KWY-GUN: NAH, WEZ GONNA STEAL US A SHIP AND GETS THA ZOG OUTA ‘ERE.

As the NOBYs discuss the specifics of their cunnin’ plan, two XV-8s break through the wood line flying in their direction.
 

KWY-GUN: JUMP IN DA DRANK! DOSE T’INGS DON’T SWIM GOOD.

OBI: BUT I DON’T SWIM GOOD NEITHA!

KWY-GUN: DEN JUST WALK ON DA BOTTOM AND HOLD YER BREF.

The two NOBYs blunder through the water eventually finding a cave. Walking through it, they find themselves in the relatively primitive city of O’toa’gun’ga an Exodite settlement. They are approached by a number of Exodite Eldar riding dinosaurs, because that’s what Exodites do.

Captain Beletarpals: Hold it right there greenskins.

After a brief misunderstanding, which puts half the city’s militia into the care of the healers, the two NOBYs are granted an audience with the chief of the Exodites, Busnass, while hogtied and chained to poles. Busnass is rather rotund for an Eldar, if such a thing is even possible.

Busnass: You cannot be here. The Tau army cannot be allowed to find this place.

KWY-GUN: DEM TAU IZ GONNA GO AFTA DA HUMEES NOT YOU POINTY EARS.

Busnass: Oh, well that’s a good thing. Those Mon’Keigh savages have been defiling our world for 1,000 years. We were just about to send a bunch of dinosaurs to destroy one of their outlying communities when the Tau landed.

KWY-GUN: IF DA BLUBOYZ KRUMP DA HUMEES, DEN YOUZ GONNA GET KRUMPED TOO.

Busnass: I somehow doubt that. The inner parts of the forest are a certain death of flesh eating animals and plants. Indeed, the fact that you survived all those perils must explain how you overcame so many of our dinosaur riders and their spears.

KWY-GUN: WHATEVA, YOUZ GOTZ ANY SPACESHIPZ?

Busnass: We don’t have much use for space travel.

KWY-GUN: (Breaks his arm out of the ropes and waves his fist) IF YOUZ DON’T GET US TO DA HUMEES, IZ GONNA WRECK THE REST OF YA BOYZ!

Busnass: You’re going to wreck the rest of my boys?

KWY-GUN: AND DEN AHL EATZ ALL UR BEASTIES.

Busnass: You’ll eat all my beasties?

KWY-GUN: OI WHYS YOUZ REPEATIN ME? YOU WANT I SHOULD BREAK YUR NOGGIN?

Busnass: Sorry, I was just shocked that you wouldn’t want to leave in peace for some reason. We’ll let you use the webway to get to the other side of the planet.

KWY-GUN: GOOD. OH, AND ONE MER TING.

Busnass: What?

KWY-GUN: YOUZ PRETTY FAT FER A POINTYEAR.

Busnass: GET THEM OUT OF HERE!

The NOBYs are led to an ancient wraithbone gate where they are cut from their bindings.

OBI: WUTZ A WEHBWAY?

KWY-GUN: SOUNDS STIKY IT DUZ.

Exarch Warrior: Now remember, go left, left, right, straight for half a parsec, double back and go right, head past the demon infestation, and take the 3rd portal from the entrance to the 5th dimension. Can’t miss it.

The NOBY’s are then unceremoniously shoved into the portal.

OBI: UM, LEFT….

KWY-GUN: WHATEVA, ITZ DIS WAY!

The two NOBYs wander around for what seems like an eternity. Suddenly, with a resounding crash, some tentacled horror of Slaanesh smashes through an adjoining capillary with 3 magical girls in sailor outfits bound in its grasp along with a half dozen paddles. One of the remaining tentacles whips out and snags Obi by the leg.

OBI: BOSS! IZ DON’T WANNA PADDLIN!

Just as suddenly, a Bloodthirster lumbers in from a nearby Chaos tainted portal and angrily attacks the creature over the high-pitched screams of the magical girls and the lower pitched screams of one freed NOBY. Obi picks himself up and wipes off whatever sticky substance that was covering the tentacle.

KWY-GUN: JUS REMEMBA DERS ALWAYS A BIGGA SQUIG.

Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Tau Battleship…

Aun’ray: The invasion is on schedule My Lord.

Tzeentchius: I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. They will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.

Aun’ray: The governess has great faith that the Senate will side with her.

Tzeentchius: Governess Amadalius is young and naïve. You will find controlling her will not be difficult.

Aun’ray: Yes, My Lord.

Tzeentchius fades away.

Fire Warrior: You did not tell him about the missing NOBYs?

Aun’ray: I would rather avoid growing any extra arms if possible.

In the Webway…

OBI: WHERE WESA GOIN?

KWY-GUN: SHUT YER YAP, I KNOWS WHERE WE IZ.

Suddenly, the path they are on goes dark.

OBI: WHEREZ DA POWA GO BOSS?

KWY-GUN: IZ SAID SHUT IT! AIN’T NUTTIN WRONG ‘ERE.

The light suddenly flashes back.

OBI: LITESUN.

As their eyes adjust to the returned light, the NOBYs find their path blocked by a giant white grinning face.

Cegorach: Boo!

KWY-GUN: LETZ GET OUTTA HERE!

The two NOBYs speed away as the Laughing God has a good chuckle.

At the hive city of Theed, a massive firefight is taking place between the Astra Militarum and Tau forces. The Guardsmen soon fail their leadership roll and retreat into the underhive where they’re promptly overwhelmed by the hordes of mutants and cultists infesting that region. In the governor’s palace, Amadalius flips a table in frustration as Fire Warriors enter her chambers followed by Aun’ray and his escort.

Shas’OOM: Noble Etherial, we have captured the governess.

Aun’ray: Ah, victory!

Councilor2: How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?

Aun’ray: The governess and I will sign a treaty that will add this planet to the 5th sphere of expansion. I have assurances it will be ratified by the Senate.

Amidalius: I’ll burn your treaty and your entire race xeno filth!

Aun’ray: Now governess. In time, our sterilization of your people will persuade you to see the Greater Good. Commander?

Shas’OOM: (steps forward) Yes noble Etherial?

Aun’ray: Reeducate them.

Shas’OOM: (turns to aide) Shas’ui, take them to Camp Four.

Shas’ui: As you will it!

The Tau Captain leads a group of Fire Warriors as they escort their prisoners to a nearby transport. As they near it, there is a shimmer of light and the two NOBYs sprint out of the Webway, clown induced fear quickly turning to rage as they see targets which are easier to smash. A short time later, a small pile of Tau kibble is all that is left of the guard force.

KWY-GUN: OI YOUZ DA HUMEE BOSS!

PAINAKA: (Seeing his guards rushing towards the dead Tau plasma rifles) Touch those xenos weapons and I’ll have you executed!

The human group plus two NOBYs dart through back alleyways of the palace quarter towards the nearby spaceport.

KWY-GUN: WEZ DA ORKZ DA WARBOSS SENT TA KRUMP DA BLUEBOYZ.

Councilor2: Your efforts seem to have failed.

KWY-GUN: SHUT IT YA GROT! WEZ GOTZ TA GET OFFA DIS ROK. YOUZ GOT ANY SHIPS?

Painaka: In the main hangar. This way.

They enter a massive building as alarms begin to sound. Eventually Commissar Painaka cracks a door and peers into the hangar containing the governess’ personal starship. There are nearly 50 Fire Warriors guarding the area.

Painaka: If we engage them, we will die fighting.

KWY-GUN: IZ ‘ARD ENUFF TA SMASH IN ALL DEM BLUE SKULLS. HUMEE GIRL, WEZ TAKIN YOU AND YER SHIP.

Amadalius: If you think I’m about to accompany you or allow your stench on my ship you’re dead wrong.

KWY-GUN: AND YUZ GONNA BE DED DED IF YOU DON’T SHUT YER YAP!

Councilor2: The ship needs her life signs in order to function.

Painaka: And if she is dead they’ll probably just forge her signature on the treaty.

Councilor2: Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us. Senator Palpatiniel will need your help.

Amadalius: Either choice has us working with xenos.

Padme: We are brave my governess.

KWY-GUN: SO IF WEZ DUN TALKIN’ ITZ TIME FER KILLIN!

Amadalius: Then I will accompany you to Ter...Coruscant and plead our case to the Senate. Councilor, you stay here and lead in my absence. Kill yourself if you think you will be captured.

Councilor2: Wait what?

The governess, three servants, Painaka, two Guardsmen, and the NOBYs leave the rest of the group behind and runs toward a small starship the size of an aircraft carrier.

Painaka: Those cowards have surrendered to the xenos!

Painaka points to 20 Guardsmen, servitors, and pilots held captive by 6 Fire Warriors.

OBI: TIME FER FIGHTIN!

OBI runs screaming at the surprised Fire Warriors as the rest of the group run towards the entrance of the starship. They approach a handful of guards blocking their path.

Fire Warrior: Halt?

KWY-GUN: WAAAAAAAAAGH!

The guard is cleaved in half and OBI finishes off the last of the Fire Warriors holding the pilots captive.

OBI: GET IN DA SHIP BEFORE IZ GUTZ YA TOO!

The group of humans flees in panic from the Ork and onto what they think is the safety of the ship. Their momentary relief turns once again to panic when the governess lets the Orks on board.

In the cockpit, the pilot brings the ship into orbit. As the hundreds of engines fire at full power, they approach the swarm of yellow ships. Blue streaks of plasma soon erupt from the blockade and pepper the void shields of the fleeing ship.

Pilot: They’re shooting at us!

Governess: Well shoot back!

Pilot: The void shield generator has been hit!

Governess: We have 6+ frontal armor, we’ll be just fine.

Pilot: But we just passed by their fleet. They’re shooting us in the stern!

Governess: Send out the techpriests!

In the hold of the ship, hundreds of augmented humans turn their heads toward a voxcast command and hurriedly run towards an airlock. Using their life support implants, they head outside and start to pray to the machine spirits of the void shield generators. Plasma bolts from the Tau warships scorch the hull of the starship atomizing dozens of techpriests with each shot.

Pilot: We’re losing techpriests fast! We’re doomed!

Painaka: One more statement like that and I’ll end your sorry life.

Pilot: But-but the death penalty has been banned on Naboo…

Painaka: (Cocking his bolter pistol) We’re not ON Naboo anymore.

Pilot: (gulp)

Outside the ship continues to be pelted with blue fire. The second to last techpriest screams as a direct hit reduces him to floating ash. The sole remainder sends out one last impassioned plea to the machine spirit. Across the ship, panels flicker back to life and the Gellar Field activates.

Pilot: Power’s back! The techpriest did it! Oh, and the Navigator is finally off his mandatory coffee break so we can enter the Warp at any time.

Governess: DO IT!

As the techpriest enters the airlock, the ship creates a giant wound in space that seems to greedily reach out towards the tiny speck in front of it and draws it inside like a squid would its prey.

Edited by flyboymb

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I'm putting out on average maybe 12 pages of material every month using a web link with the script for TPM and replacing Jedi with Orks. That last post took maybe 2 hours total to write and 10 minutes to color using the menu items. Concepts (of varying quality I'm sure) just kind of popped into my head one night while on 1d4chan so I could go all the way through the end of the prequels if I wanted to. So really it's just the opposite. I could have finished the whole story by now except for a total lack of free time.

 

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