Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Professor Tanhauser

How to answer "Why space marines have ridiculous shoulder pads?".

Recommended Posts

One guy kept wondering why space marines have such ridiculously huge shoulder pads. Finally I came up with an answer for him.

The marines have huge shoulder pads to make their asses look smaller.

Serously, at the dawn on the imperium the emperor initiated the space marine project and it was a success, with one side effect. It made the space  marines  towering supermen but also made their asses too big. At first this was regarded as acceptable but when used in actual combat it was a disaster.

They'd land on a planet, any planet, to face an enemy, any enemy, and be laughed at som hard their morale just utterly collapsed and they were forced to leave in shame. Land on a rebellious world, that was bad. All their human enemies would take one look and just collapse laughing, and it's just impossible to kill a man while he's laying on the ground laughing himself sick at the size of you ass. Invasion after invasion failed as marines withdrew while heretic and rebel armies laughed hysterically at the size of their asses. The grafiti and cartoons were particularly unbearable, depicting marines jumping out of ships at high altitude sans entry equipment, falling several miles then pulling down their armored pants and landing safely on their huge asses which acted as crash bags.

Orks even couldn't help noticing how disproportionately huge marine asses were, and again would collapse in unstoppable laughter when marines took to the field. Even xenos filth were mocking the holy warriors of the emperor for their genetically enhanced asses.

As for the eldar, the less said the better as to how scornful and disdainful their reply was to marine invasions. Bands of harlequins would preform unbearably snarky parodies of marines, with grossly oversized asses crafted by the eldar's finest artisans to be as mocking and humiliating as possible.

When marine forces landed on a xenos world who's totally non human inhabitants had never seen a human before and the xenos collapsed in what was unmistakably laughter, it looks like the space marine project was doomed. How could they fight enemies who laughed at them so loudly and uproariously e=they had to flee in shame and humiliation?

Then, fortunately, the great thinkers at the adeptus advertisium,  based on the planet madisonius avenuium, came up with a simpley but brilliant scheme: Distract people's attention from the incredible size on the space marine's asses by adding absolutely huge and unbelievable shoulder pads to their armor.

Now the official story was to make it easier form titan commanders to tell marines apart fom trheir elevated positions by adding large shoulder pads with iconography painted on them to make visual distinction possible at considerable distances, but most knew the true purpose.

Well, it worked. As ridiculous as the marines new shoulder armor was, ad as much as it impaired mobility, at least people didn't laugh at it or the marine's incredibly oversized asses anymore, and the great crusade could get underway.

I'm not sure he bought it but at least he quit asking about marine shoulder pads from then on...

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And here I thought those pauldrons were to protect against flanking fire, considering the Marines' chest armour is so bulky they can only hold their boltguns to the left or to the right, and advance accordingly!

 

Hard to argue with such a well-researched exposure, though.

 

The grafiti and cartoons were particularly unbearable

 

2u451c0.png

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Plenty of 40k art shows marines firing forward, so the "can't fire ahead due to big chest armor" may be the official reason, but it's hard to remember given the art contradicting it.

BTW, nice RT reff there, notice the pauldrons were a lot smaller then? Plus thew whole idea that the EoT blinks and imperial forces can get in on occasion, yeah I don't think that's canon this edition.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Plenty of 40k art shows marines firing forward, so the "can't fire ahead due to big chest armor" may be the official reason, but it's hard to remember given the art contradicting it.

 

Heheh, yeah, that was just a small jab at the proportions of the miniatures. If you look at their bulky chests and short, stubbly arms, it'd be impossible for them to fire the boltgun like a normal rifle. Even the Scouts have trouble looking through their scopes!

 

space-marine-scouts-with-sniper-rifles-5

 

I assume that in the artworks they either use different proportions, or they simply work with tricks of perspective, depicting scenes that were impossible (in that their limbs would either "clip through" the chest, or the "hidden" arm is a lot longer than the one that can be seen by the spectator) if you'd look at them from a different angle.

 

I don't believe for a second that this guy would be capable of pointing his boltgun forward whilst holding it with both arms. :P Astartes artworks often tend to be the epitome of impractical bulkness -- it looks good in the scene they show on the picture, but it'd be a huge hindrance in reality.

 

Then again, it depends on how you think they'd actually move. Given that helmet-linked targeters make "manual" aiming optional, I could totally picture them slowly advancing sideways like walking tanks. They just wouldn't be super fast or very agile about it.

 

The "Space Marine" videogame was quite close to how I'd imagine it, come to think of it!

Edited by Lynata

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, looking at the above pic of ''this guy'' i can see another reason for tge shoulder pads: Man boobs.

Apparently the upgrade process also made the marine's chests so massive it gave them man boobs that they had to cover them up with a massivr chst plate. Again, enemy forces across tge galaxy would collapse in hysterical laughter at the sight of them taking the field, again so humiliating the mighty adeptus astartes that they had to withdraw.

So, again, let's make the shoulder plates so huge that they distract people from the masive chrst plate needed to cover marine man boobs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Twist: The stylised nipples on Blood Angel honour guard chestpieces are not decoration; it's just superhuman breasts slowly drilling through the armour as they keep on growing.

 

 

 

(confession time: although I am joking, I actually like the armour for its historical reference)

Edited by Lynata

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

(confession time: although I am joking, I actually like the armour for its historical reference)

 

You know, a lot of real historical armor have exact anatomical conformity. Your example is very modest ;)

 

 

And flexible too.  The idea that an armoured knight could not get up when had been knocked down is a myth.

 

I do love the cosmetic and beauty fashion reasons that are listed above.

Calgar: "Does my arse look big in this Tigurius?"

Tigurius: "Nay Lord, your mammoth shoulders balance out thine buttock marvellously.  Blue is also slimming."

 

If anyone is serious about this question, I can answer it channelling my inner nerd...  :)  but onwards with the flamboyant epaulettes!

 

MR.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And the deathwatch makes them worse by adding an extra bit to one. (Btw; what's that piece that prevents your head from getting sliced of called anyway?)

 

personally i think it's so you can shoulderbarge trough anything. Steel doors, ork nobs, rockerte bulkheads.

 

And I like them old fasioned (heresy armor) ones with the metal studs on them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually forget about the shoulders: look at the boots!

 

51sOdDcLS4L.jpg

 

Why does he need ginormous boots? (and don't say: "To stamp heretics")

 

a lot of  stuf wrong with this cover: look at the giraffe neck on this guy!

Edited by Robin Graves

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One guy kept wondering why space marines have such ridiculously huge shoulder pads. Finally I came up with an answer for him.

The marines have huge shoulder pads to make their asses look smaller.

 

 

 

r1BMIu8.gif

 

Marlock-Terminator-Squad-cataphractii-ho

 

I got double-giant shoulderpads! With tassels!

 

Terminator_mini_MK1.jpg

 

B*tch, please!

Edited by Robin Graves

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Plenty of 40k art shows marines firing forward, so the "can't fire ahead due to big chest armor" may be the official reason, but it's hard to remember given the art contradicting it.

 

Heheh, yeah, that was just a small jab at the proportions of the miniatures. If you look at their bulky chests and short, stubbly arms, it'd be impossible for them to fire the boltgun like a normal rifle. Even the Scouts have trouble looking through their scopes!

 

 

 

I have most difficulties with some of the terminator models, especially the (thin wide apart) legs!

 

IMG_3799lo.jpg

 

Taking into account the (supposed) thickness of the armor: how skinny are this guy's tighs?

 

It seems mostly to be a case of certain terminator models, as this guy proves you can wear tactical dreadnought armor IRL:

 

original.jpg

 

2280ff6ced3815dd74d2efdfe26e3106.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Twist: The stylised nipples on Blood Angel honour guard chestpieces are not decoration; it's just superhuman breasts slowly drilling through the armour as they keep on growing.

Oh ghawd! I just had an image of a squad of BAs facing a chaos dreadnought after depleting their ammo. So they discard their empty weapons, rip off their chestplates, throw themselves on the dread and begin beating their chests against it until it is battered to scrap by the irrestible force of their armor piercing nipples. (Armor piercing nipples. If i werent't already probably going to hell i would for that...)

Wow. I come up with what i consider to be some fine pieces of warped humor and people here top me completely. I love this board!

Edited by Professor Tanhauser

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Twist: The stylised nipples on Blood Angel honour guard chestpieces are not decoration; it's just superhuman breasts slowly drilling through the armour as they keep on growing.

 

Oh ghawd! I just had an image of a squad of BAs facing a chaos dreadnought after depleting their ammo. So they discard their empty weapons, rip off their chestplates, throw themselves on the dread and begin beating their chests against it until it is battered to scrap by the irrestible force of their armor piercing nipples. (Armor piercing nipples. If i werent't already probably going to hell i would for that...)

Wow. I come up with what i consider to be some fine pieces of warped humor and people here top me completely. I love this board!

 

 

batman-and-robin.jpeg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As to the big boots issue, remember: Marines don't have big boots, they have big feet!

Wow, big butts, big chests, big feet....ever notice how marine codpieces aren't particularly large?

 

Unless you go Slaanesh. ;) With all the hypno indocterination, chemical/drug use and celibate life style, I don't think a marine will have much use for the contents of his codpiece.

 

Great, now I wonder if "pollishing the bolter" means what I think it means...

Edited by Robin Graves

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As to the big boots issue, remember: Marines don't have big boots, they have big feet!

Wow, big butts, big chests, big feet....ever notice how marine codpieces aren't particularly large?

 

Trazyn the infinite: "Hmm, yes. Not much goin on between the legs eh? The Emperor forgot make a special implant for that organ, yes?"

 

Space marine: "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!"

 

Trazyn the infinite: "AWW shi-"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Twist: The stylised nipples on Blood Angel honour guard chestpieces are not decoration; it's just superhuman breasts slowly drilling through the armour as they keep on growing.

Oh ghawd! I just had an image of a squad of BAs facing a chaos dreadnought after depleting their ammo. So they discard their empty weapons, rip off their chestplates, throw themselves on the dread and begin beating their chests against it until it is battered to scrap by the irrestible force of their armor piercing nipples. (Armor piercing nipples. If i werent't already probably going to hell i would for that...)

Wow. I come up with what i consider to be some fine pieces of warped humor and people here top me completely. I love this board!

 

batman-and-robin.jpeg

Oh ghawd. Did you have to remind me of that movie???

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And the deathwatch makes them worse by adding an extra bit to one. (Btw; what's that piece that prevents your head from getting sliced of called anyway?)

 

personally i think it's so you can shoulderbarge trough anything. Steel doors, ork nobs, rockerte bulkheads.

 

And I like them old fasioned (heresy armor) ones with the metal studs on them.

I think you might be referring to the thing that sorta looks like a collar, because it does sorta protect a swinging sword from hitting the neck full force. I think it's called the gorget. I think the newest deathwatch armor has an enlarged gorget to protect the neck a bit better.So it sometimes makes head hits go to the body.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WTF is going on in this thread!?

 

I'm a fan of the huge shoulder pads. In universe, I like the battering-ram idea. Additionally, if you shoulder rush an enemy, you have a massive plate of armour between your head and their gun. I'm also a fan of Blood Angel nipple-plate (sounds gross when I say it that way . . .).

 

They are so large they break through the bounds of the 40k universe and become copyrightable.

Edited by Servant of Dante

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...