Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Professor Tanhauser

Laughing thru a dark millennium. (Joke thread)

Recommended Posts

I found out the hard way that girlfriends don't appreciate "blood for the blood god" jokes during "that time of the month." :)

Yeah, I go out of my way to avoid "PMS" jokes in re to SoBs as it's vulgar, crude, stupid and offensive, so naturally rush limbaugh once made a remakr just like in in regards to wo9men in the military, so I try to avoid saying anything it would say. Also, there are **** few in any women in the hobby so let's try to be a little polite to the ones that are.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Wow, I guess it's hard to offend anyone here as long as you're not trying to. This place sure is a lot better than rpg.net :angry: ......

 

Yeah we got nice folk here.

 

Not sure how you offend 40k fans, unless maybe  with "Matt Ward is right!" ;)

 

I . . . enjoyed playing with the 5E BA 'dex, but that's all canceled out by GK smearing SoB blood all over their armour.

 

 

I found out the hard way that girlfriends don't appreciate "blood for the blood god" jokes during "that time of the month." :)

Yeah, I go out of my way to avoid "PMS" jokes in re to SoBs as it's vulgar, crude, stupid and offensive, so naturally rush limbaugh once made a remakr just like in in regards to wo9men in the military, so I try to avoid saying anything it would say. Also, there are **** few in any women in the hobby so let's try to be a little polite to the ones that are.

 

The internet doesn't need any help demeaning my favorite faction. Thank you for your consideration. :D

 

On that note, does it bother anyone else that every time  there is a story with Sisters vs. Chaos, the Chaos is Slaanesh? I mean come on.

 

Just to be clear, that wasn't a joke.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

yeah that GK thing was a serious "what the hell, hero?!" moment. If they wanted innocent blood, couldn't they have murdered an oprhanage or something?

 

That reminds me, didn't the necrons drain all the blood from the slain sisters at the Sanctuary 101 outpost, to?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So How big a heresy is it to have a homebrew SoB order allied with the alpha legion?

That HERESY goes straight to 11. The sad thing is the Alpha Legion might be able to pull it off, but with the amount of hatred Sisters have, I'd like to think they'd see through the charade.

 

Then it's time to BURN SOME CHAOS MARINES!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Uh, yeah. What's this bit with grey knights and adeptus soritas blood?

Never mind, looked it up. I take it I missed nothing by being uninvolved with 40k while this guy was writing for it. Seriously I read it and it was like "FXXX THE WHAT?!?!?!"

https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Khornate_Knights

Edited by Professor Tanhauser

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Uh, yeah. What's this bit with grey knights and adeptus soritas blood?

Never mind, looked it up. I take it I missed nothing by being uninvolved with 40k while this guy was writing for it. Seriously I read it and it was like "FXXX THE WHAT?!?!?!"

https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Khornate_Knights

Yeah, I've never personally read that bit of heresy, but I am most certainly aware of it. Was he trying to make everyone hate the GK? Because I kinda do ( not just for that one incident though)

Oh, and a 40K joke: Supereme Grand Master Lord Caldor Drago (or whatever his title is)

I do think he's a little B A (not the angel kind) and a lot insane. If the Emperor had a TTS device anyone?

Edited by Servant of Dante

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

(Here is a series of running jokes my group has been playing around with, Chaos Champions road trips, with Kharn, Ahriman, Typhus, and Lucius.)

 

Episode 1 On the Open Road

 

Ahriman is driving their old beat up station wagon, Kharn is up front with him with their map, while Typhus and Lucius are in the back. 

 

Ahriman hears whining from the back coming from Typhus. "Lucius, please don't licking me, it's weird and it's making me uncomfortable."

 

Lucius "Then keep your seeping heap to your side of the station wagon."

 

Ahriman "Okay, first off, Typhus please respect everyone's personal space. Secondly, Lucius, please don't lick Typhus, or any of us for that matter. How can you even pull that off, Typhus is a literal walking plague?"

 

Lucius "I literally take over the body of anyone who kills me and feels satisfaction from it, and you're wondering how I'm able to do anything?"

 

Ahriman "Fair enough, but if you two continue in your childish behavior, I shall have to pull over and have Khorne discipline the both of you."

 

Kharn looks back at them and revs up his chain axe, menacingly shouting out "Blood for the Blood God."

 

Unfortunately this is so loud that it knocks off Ahriman's concentration, leading him to shoving a trukk filled with Ork Boyz off the road.

 

They continue on in silence before everyone hears a chuckle coming from Typhus in the back seat.

 

Ahriman "What's so funny Typhus?"

 

Typhus "You'll know soon enough." Right as he finishes an unbelievably foul odor has spread throughout the vehicle, even worse than Typhus's normal odor. Gagging, they all roll down their windows to get some fresh air, only to be greeted the snarling faces of a group of Ork Bikerz, who were apparently mates of the Trukk they had driven off the road. The Bikerz then proceed to trash the station wagon with chains and choppas, leading to Kharn cutting a whole in the roof and climbing on top to begin swinging wildly at them, while Typhus and Lucius try to deal with an infestation of squigs and snotlings. It's at this point that Ahriman utters that eternal and timeless truth. 

 

Ahriman "I hate mondays"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Only warhammer joke I know:

 

A sergeant who is in charge of the recruits has a chat with his priest.

 

"You see, I have this one recrut I just don't know how to deal with. I told him to go out with his chainsword and kill 100 beasts, but he came back and killed only 95."

 

The priest answers "Well, then send him out again. He has to fulfill the task."

 

So the sergeants sends out the recruit another time. The next day, he meets his priest again.

 

"So, how did it go?" the priest asks.

 

"Not as it was supposed to. He came back and slaughtered 99 beasts, but still didn't fulfill his task." the sergeant replied.

 

"Well, I guess you should go with him then, and show him how it is done."

 

So the sergeants grabs his chainsword, gets the recruit and goes to slay some beasts. As they aproach the first beasts and the sergeants gets himself ready for the fight, he starts his chainsword, when the recruit yells shocked "BY THE THRONE, WHAT IS THAT TERRIFYING SOUND?"

Edited by Avdnm

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Uh, yeah. What's this bit with grey knights and adeptus soritas blood?

Never mind, looked it up. I take it I missed nothing by being uninvolved with 40k while this guy was writing for it. Seriously I read it and it was like "FXXX THE WHAT?!?!?!"

https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Khornate_Knights

Yeah, I've never personally read that bit of heresy, but I am most certainly aware of it. Was he trying to make everyone hate the GK? Because I kinda do ( not just for that one incident though)

Oh, and a 40K joke: Supereme Grand Master Lord Caldor Drago (or whatever his title is)

I do think he's a little B A (not the angel kind) and a lot insane. If the Emperor had a TTS device anyone?

 

 

The thing that grinds my gears with kahl drogo, err..drago is that he spends 99% in the realm of chaos, then occasionlly pops out to help the GKs and he's their leader?and the inquisition is fine with that?

 

The response to anything coming out of the realm of chaos is the immediate aplication of holy bolter, flamer, psycannon, flamer again, multimelta and then a stormhammer to finish things of.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Brother Zacharius, the quartermaster at death watch fortress Erioch, was particularly morose and despairing since his chapter, the crimson consuls, had been exterminated by the alpha legion during his watch.

All understood his grief and despair, many we're concerned by it. While many tried to raise his spirits he remained inconsolable.

One day the watch captain was walking by the armory and stopped in stunned silence as he heard loud, racous and seemingly incessant laughter coming from within. Moving to investigate this unheard of event he was soon confronted with the unbelievable sight of brother Zacharius laying on his side on the armored floor, his arms wrapped around his mid section and laughing like unto a madman, seemingly unable to stop. Brother Wayne, a brand new ultramarine inductee to the deathwatch, stood mutely before him.

Taking the new recruit by the arm the watch commander lead him out of the armory where it was possible to converse without being drowned out by Brother Zacharius' seemingly endless laughter.

''What in the emperor's holy name is happening here, brother?'' The watch commander demanded sternly.

''Brother captain, I had just completed my mandatory physical exam at the Apocatherium, and was certified fit, disease free and fully inoculated. Then after the tests were completed Apocathery Napier ordered me to go to the armory, report directly to Quartermaster Zacharius and thereupon requisition something called a vortex grenade.''

Edited by Professor Tanhauser

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, think about it a minute. Picture it in your mind. You're the quartermaster at deathwatch fortress erioch. Vortex grenades are one of the rarest items you hage. They are so rare and valuable even the most revered veteran kill team members can't requisition one. They can only be assigned by highest authority on the base, the watch captain himself.

Now some FNG who just walked into the base yesterday comes in and says he wants to requisition one.

As to the apocathery, he sure figured out a way to get old brother Zacharius out of his depression, didn't he?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×