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Calgor Grim

You know you're playing Only War when

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When you give the squad an opportunity to pet an animal, kitten to be exact, which was going to be burned alive by bunch of cultists. First thing they do after killing cultists - hack the little fuc*er in half. Now that they're thinking about it they want to have a servocat.

Great, now I want a psyber kitteh!

Why would you want that. It's much more sensible to get a psyber panther.

note: in this context panther refers to large felines (size small and up) from earth and variants caused by adaptation to a different world/cross breeding with native life forms eg. the feathered cougar, an animal that inhabits the tropopause of Ricalsa VII.

But Panthers are to heavy to carry around with you, A cute little kiten that can sit on my shoulder, or I can hold in my hand- oh and it amplifies my psychic powers.

"Lay down your weapons and surrender or Mr. Mittens will smite you with warp lightning!"

"Meeeew!"

"That's right Mr. Mittens, let's blast those heretic anyway!"

What about Lycan Giganttius Primus who, due to a lack of the bestial trait and the implantation psyber implants, can follow through when you say "Sheila, suppressing fire" with her Explosive Mind Bullets. That more than makes up for having to use modified demon weapon rules to determine if she mauls anyone.

Edited: ...if she mauls any of your squad mates.

Edited by Marcus102

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When you actually drive two of your players (used to playing marines) to out-of-character alcoholism at how inept they are.

When you find yourself needing to double tap an ork with what are supposed to be antivehicle rounds from a grenade launcher.

When the last ork standing is concussed, blind and on fire and it still takes two turns to put him down.

When a guardsman and comrade spends four turns in an epic sniper duel.....with a grot.

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When you actually drive two of your players (used to playing marines) to out-of-character alcoholism at how inept they are.

When you find yourself needing to double tap an ork with what are supposed to be antivehicle rounds from a grenade launcher.

When the last ork standing is concussed, blind and on fire and it still takes two turns to put him down.

When a guardsman and comrade spends four turns in an epic sniper duel.....with a grot.

When you clear the Inquisition of any suspicion in the massacre because the "ork snipers" on Armageddon were actually "grot snipers".

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When the DM is smiling tooooo much at mentioning you have Dark Angels/Flesh Tearers support.

 

Try Marines Malevolent... Orks attacking a refuge camp? Shell the refugee camp!*

 

Ah yeah the Dangels always leave, either because they have to go looking for the Fallen, or the Inquistion has turned up or they are flat out prejudiced against Ogryns and eff of...

 

Nothing wrong with Flesh Tearers, provided you don't try to catch the enemy in a pincher manouver. Just stand waaaaay back and provide fire suport/watch while they slaughter the Emperor loving crap out of the enemey. Guardsman have no place in a enemy/Fleshtearers/Sisters of Battle threeway brawl.

 

Taken to rediculous lernghts in one HH novel in wich the Imperial army would rarther retreat than call for help to the Space Wolves (sigh).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Effin' Bastards. Seriously: every single homebrew chapter that I've made hates these guys!

Edited by Robin Graves

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I'll have to add one I would think.

 

"When you ask for air support and get a strafing run on your own position."

 

Has your GM ever played Paranoia? (Stuff like that happend all the time in that game.)

 

 

Could be. He has played all manner of RPGs.

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I'll have to add one I would think.

 

"When you ask for air support and get a strafing run on your own position."

 

Has your GM ever played Paranoia? (Stuff like that happend all the time in that game.)

 

Could be. He has played all manner of RPGs.

If he had your characters investigated and penalized for "wilful waste of munitions" as a result of it, then the answer is yes...

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Or if he makes you actually fill out copies of the munitorium paperwork. 

 

Or to ensure the records are completely accurate, makes you actually fill out copies of the munitorium paperwork on las expenditure during the firefight.

 

Or, in an extreme case, makes you actually fill out copies of the munitorium paperwork on las expenditure during the firefight.in advance, because the spoor targeters on your guns are vox-linked to the quartermasters office and will refuse to actually fire without his approval. When he gets back from getting a mug of recaff in about ten minutes after the actual trigger pull. At which point the gun will fire as requested, regardless of who it is pointed at at that moment.

 

 

Paranoia is great fun.

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Paranoia is great fun.

 

That's why I once homebrewed a guard regiment for OW. (We never got around to use it sadly.)

 

Alpha complexian troubleshooters

Hive world  3pts

Guerillia regiment  4pts

Billious 2pts (paranoia)

Scavengers  3pts

Combat drugs  2pts

Favoured foe  3pts ( forbidden lore: cults/ hatred: mutants)

Incompotent leadership  +5pts

 

Extra kit:

Laspistol +2 charge packs  5pts

dose of spook (rare) 15pts

haluciogen grenade (scarce)  8pts

tranq  (abundant)  2pts

 

Armour:

Flak vest

Weapons:

Lascarbine (main weapon)*

knife **

Grenades:

2 blind

2 stun

2 frag

local variant :

Lightweight material (-10 single handed firing)

Piercing (felling)

Heating issues (overheats)

Erratic (unreliable)

 

** local variant:

Shearing ‘razor sharp +2 pen)

Poor grip (flies off in random direction)

Brittle (breaks easily in combat)

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Perfect! 

Just needs the R&D special. What did you put down for preferred weapons?

 

I'm thinking Plasma would be good (because plasma cannons were a thing in Paranoia and nothing says "fun" like being assigned a poor craftsmanship plasma cannon), and possibly a launcher of some kind? Miss-aimed high explosives are always enteraining.

 

I can see the FCCP/Tech-priest, and Loyalty Officer/Commissar working rather well.

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Perfect! 

Just needs the R&D special. What did you put down for preferred weapons?

 

I'm thinking Plasma would be good (because plasma cannons were a thing in Paranoia and nothing says "fun" like being assigned a poor craftsmanship plasma cannon), and possibly a launcher of some kind? Miss-aimed high explosives are always enteraining.

 

I can see the FCCP/Tech-priest, and Loyalty Officer/Commissar working rather well.

 

Yes plasma guns would be exelent! And maybe missile (tac nuke) launchers for heavy weapons.

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...when the sergeant tries  to suck up to the captain for a promotion and its results in the squad being sent on a nightly trench raid to capture an enemy ranking officer (captain is minimum) from the Severian Dominate with the threat to be shot if the squad returns without the live Severian officer.

 

EDITED: But in the end we did return with the officer. :D Although our sergeant didn't get a promotion.

Edited by Gurkhal

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When the most deadly weapon available to you is the 9-70 Entrenching Tool.

 

When the chimera issued to the squad gets damaged and field-repaired so much on its way to the mission area that the players can credibly get away with sneaking in, pretending it's a looted vehicle.

 

When the fact you actually have to Brace the heavy flamer before firing it means that in a close action against massed infantry - supposedly the ideal environment for it - it gets a total of one shot off in the whole battle.

 

When the GM finds the listed weights for all the 'standard issue' guardsmen items like the mess kit and grooming kit in the old Inquisitor's Handbook for Dark Heresy and the players groan at having to allow for encumbrance for them too.

Edited by Magnus Grendel

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The guardsmen responded the same.

 

  • Initially, it was "So cute! Aww!" as they played whack-a-mole over the side of the tracks.
  • Then it became "Oh for.....stay still!!!!!!!!" as they discovered a -20 to hit from size penalties means their trusty 9-70 entrenching tools weren't cutting the mustard (or the snotlings).
  • Then one of them snuck in through the firing ports and started trying untrained tech-use tests on the tank's vox-caster, which was just hilarious ("why is the tank playing Valhallan classical music?").
  • Then another of them started trying untrained tech-use tests on a crate of demo charges.....and everything suddenly became much less funny.

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