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You know you're playing Black Crusade, when...

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You know your playing Black Crusade when you play as a Iron Warrior Warpsmith and manages to get 8 magos to join you including a squad of space marine hibryds.

 

And escapes a Hellforge citadel to top it of to then join up with the other party members and planning to in the future create a brotherhood of Warpsmiths and Magos techpriests.

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When a slaaneshi priestess offers to pay your iron warrior handsomely to craft a warp powered adamantium vibrator for her because pure adamantium is the only material her "Lady parts" won't crush when she "Gets done" with it...

your iron warrior takes the job then ends up cursing over how hard it is to forge pure adamantium into ribs and bumps.

he later has to "acquire" a leg actuator from a dreadnought because it's the only motor that will fit inside the completed vibrator that is powerful enough to generate the specified vibration force.

you Realize your GM is a fan of the rocky horror picture show.

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When a slaaneshi priestess offers to pay your iron warrior handsomely to craft a warp powered adamantium vibrator for her because pure adamantium is the only material her "Lady parts" won't crush when she "Gets done" with it...

your iron warrior takes the job then ends up cursing over how hard it is to forge pure adamantium into ribs and bumps.

he later has to "acquire" a leg actuator from a dreadnought because it's the only motor that will fit inside the completed vibrator that is powerful enough to generate the specified vibration force.

you Realize your GM is a fan of the rocky horror picture show.

 

At least make it a daemon vibrator with a bound Khorne daemon in it- That should get it vibrating! :D

 

Also points of slaaneshi priestess for resorting to vibrators when you can just enslave an entire world and line  up all the (CENSORED) and (CENSORED) till they pop (CENSORED), because, plenty more where they came from, right? ;)

Edited by Robin Graves

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Well, the divine vibrator was made from parts taken from sacred imperial Equipment. It was powered from the power pack of a chaplain's power armor and had a powerfield retooled to stimulate taken from his crozius. The adamantium was salvaged from imperial land raider armor plating, the motor came from an imperial Dreadnought and so on.

Then after being made of adamantium it had to be plated in pure gold to make it artistic, and the gold had to be taken from a particularly sacred pure gold imperial aquila from a particularly sacred church on an ecclisiarchy world.

you know, after that the next mission the players got hired for, where another slaanishi cult who was real impressed by their success with the sacriligious ecstaticiser, was a snap. The cult wanted to invite some daemons To a special dinner party. The main course was to be eldar soul stones with a farseer's as the special treat for the guest of honor, a keeper of

secrets. After delivery the party wad invited to stay for the party, which they graciously declined.

Edited by Professor Tanhauser

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Well, the divine vibrator was made from parts taken from sacred imperial Equipment. It was powered from the power pack of a chaplain's power armor and had a powerfield retooled to stimulate taken from his crozius. The adamantium was salvaged from imperial land raider armor plating, the motor came from an imperial Dreadnought and so on.

Then after being made of adamantium it had to be plated in pure gold to make it artistic, and the gold had to be taken from a particularly sacred pure gold imperial aquila from a particularly sacred church on an ecclisiarchy world.

you know, after that the next mission the players got hired for, where another slaanishi cult who was real impressed by their success with the sacriligious ecstaticiser, was a snap. The cult wanted to invite some daemons To a special dinner party. The main course was to be eldar soul stones with a farseer's as the special treat for the guest of honor, a keeper of

secrets. After delivery the party wad invited to stay for the party, which they graciously declined.

What was the reward for the Iron Warrior even to make this THING??

 

If i was asked to do this then i would ask for terminator armor and multiple different mechadendrites plus best craft Synthmuscle, Sub skin armor and some kind of relic of nurgle

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Its still just a Leman Russ, you can pimp that out all you want but it ain't going to win you a planet, let alone an Imperial Guard regiment. Seems he got the short end of that stick, quite literally. Had he asked for an armored regiment, or maybe a nice new cruiser, then that would be a more fitting reward for such a unique and quite blasphemous artefact.

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Actually he just wanted a cool ride. Until he gets a csm land raider. BTW, his last act was to attach it to Illinora the Insatiable's pet dreadnought, and we found that amusing since some of us have seen an original chaos dreadnought GW mini. I will not risk posting a pic of it here but if you want to look it us I think you'll be...surprised.

Illinora the Insatiable was....satiated. So he got to boast that he had achieved the impossible by satiating the insatiable. Doing the impossible is always good publicity.

Edited by Professor Tanhauser

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Actually he just wanted a cool ride. Until he gets a csm land raider. BTW, his last act was to attach it to Illinora the Insatiable's pet dreadnought, and we found that amusing since some of us have seen an original chaos dreadnought GW mini. I will not risk posting a pic of it here but if you want to look it us I think you'll be...surprised.

 

 

Taken to extremes with the Slaaneshi Questor scout titan:

 

questor1.jpg

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When the human party of tzeentch worshippers crippled a space marine chapter gravely that they hated deeply due to their actions against their homeworld via the usage of several steam engines, farming equipment and food seeds.

 

I'll tell the story of how they did it if anyone is interested... after I've heard some guesses.

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Introduce civilisation - so there's no longer a viable population of feral psychotics to recruit from?

 

 

  • When, upon entering a sorcerous library, where various tomes scrolls and Grimoires held in spinning clockwork cages made of shaped warpfire, and even the floor and walls are fashioned from magic, the Khornate spots their arch-enemy, and - being Khornate, charges. A few seconds later, the phrase "even the loor and walls are fashioned from magic" registers on her awareness a moment too late, just in time for an "oh, *****, that was stupid..." moment as the combined aura of her collar of Khorne and Obsidian Star causes the floor to disintegrate under her.
  • When the Nurgle Daemon Prince successfully avoids a flamer attack despite his agility of 07, and spends the rest of the battle hurling abuse at the incompetent enemy who can't hit a basically stationary target the size of the average main battle tank
  • When, upon breaking into what they think is an armoury, the Daemon Princes discover a gladiatiorial pit, surrounded by racks of weapons, which they subsequently discover to be Daemon weapons.
  • When the Khornate says she's going to investigate one of the Daemon Weapons, but fails the lore and scrutiny tests to determine much about it. "Okay, I put it down and....." she says. "Wait.....put it down? So you picked it up, then?" is the reply. There is another "oh, *****, that was stupid..."  moment which results in the Slaaneshi spending several rounds trying to avoid getting sliced in half by the Hellfire Blade.
  • When, on finally getting that daemon weapon out of the Khornate's hands, the Slaaneshi (who's dived into another pile of weapons to avoid attacks) finds the Needle of Desire embedded in her forearm - a problem which is only solved by having one of the other heretics slice most of her arm off and spending the rest of the session imbibing every drug the party had.

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Introduce civilisation - so there's no longer a viable population of feral psychotics to recruit from?

 

 

Pretty much yes, but that wasn't all.

 

They went from planet to planet, selecting one of the tribes or factions and gifting them the knowledge of how to make and use the technology and improved farming methods that they had to offer while also presenting them with edible food seeds that would thrive in the environment of the planet in question. Within a matter of decades, many of the recruitment worlds of this chapter went from tribal to Feudal and Early Industrial worlds. The massive upheaval that this social change caused also provided a wonderful environment for the party to plant the seeds of chaos worship, as well as other heretical ideas that while not chaos tainted would still get the average imperial citizen burned alive for thinking them (Such as questioning the Emperors divinity). 

 

The space marine chapter in question weren't big on the serfs that make up humanity and when they swung round for new recruits they tended to only focus on the solders and warriors of the planets without caring to much about what was going on elsewhere on the planet; This indifference not only allowed chaos worshipers to infiltrate their chapter on several levels (Including as space marines) but after they left and the worlds rebelled against the Imperium the Inquisition noticed that they had visited the worlds and failed to notice or do anything about the signs of the spread of chaos of their worlds.  

 

So in the end the party caused massive change on several planets, tricked a loyalist chapter to create chaos space marines while filling their ranks with the worshipers of chaos to corrupt them from within while tricking the Inquisition to blame the whole **** thing on the space marine chapter (As our face put it, the Inquisition would either find them guilty of Heresy or Gross Incompetence for failing to stop their recruitment worlds from being corrupted).   

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After seizing the armoury/prison, the heretics have stocked up on daemon weapons. Including:

 

  • a great weapon which is essentially the Mace of Sauron, but slightly more so.
  • a mirrored shield which spawns annoying little imps (Spellbound Harrier Imps) at anyone you're fighting. Or anyone helping you in the fight. Which is a more of an issue. Especially combined with the slaaneshi's already ridiculous aura of stat penalties.
  • a shortsword which "glows red in the presence of stupid ideas"
  • a sickle sword whose combined bonuses to parry are actually higher than the wielder's weaponskill
  • a man-portable ectoplasma cannon possessed by a great unclean one which refuses on general principles to ever fire on a setting other than 'maximal'. The resulting mushroom clouds from firing it can be mistaken for light orbital bombardment.
Edited by Magnus Grendel

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When your rolling up a dark apostale and the end result is a possed characther with unnatruarl T-9 and S-7 natural/deadly weapon natural armor and a total dmg reduction of 26 BEFORE the game even started

 

Your characther is sent as a messager from a greater daemon to lead what is basiclly Norcan tribes to crush the imperials on this feudal world.

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After seizing the armoury/prison, the heretics have stocked up on daemon weapons. Including:

 

  • a great weapon which is essentially the Mace of Sauron, but slightly more so.
  • a mirrored shield which spawns annoying little imps (Spellbound Harrier Imps) at anyone you're fighting. Or anyone helping you in the fight. Which is a more of an issue. Especially combined with the slaaneshi's already ridiculous aura of stat penalties.
  • a shortsword which "glows red in the presence of stupid ideas"
  • a sickle sword whose combined bonuses to parry are actually higher than the wielder's weaponskill
  • a man-portable ectoplasma cannon possessed by a great unclean one which refuses on general principles to ever fire on a setting other than 'maximal'. The resulting mushroom clouds from firing it can be mistaken for light orbital bombardment.

 

 

Dat extoplasma canon.

 

Chaos marine; "Ok carefull, carfefull. We want them alive for now."

Daemon weapon: "The boons of Nurgle shall be many!" *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Chaos marine: "Nooooooo!"

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After seizing the armoury/prison, the heretics have stocked up on daemon weapons. Including:

 

  • a great weapon which is essentially the Mace of Sauron, but slightly more so.
  • a mirrored shield which spawns annoying little imps (Spellbound Harrier Imps) at anyone you're fighting. Or anyone helping you in the fight. Which is a more of an issue. Especially combined with the slaaneshi's already ridiculous aura of stat penalties.
  • a shortsword which "glows red in the presence of stupid ideas"
  • a sickle sword whose combined bonuses to parry are actually higher than the wielder's weaponskill
  • a man-portable ectoplasma cannon possessed by a great unclean one which refuses on general principles to ever fire on a setting other than 'maximal'. The resulting mushroom clouds from firing it can be mistaken for light orbital bombardment.

 

 

That shortsword would be glowing permanently red in many of the adventures I've been involved with.......

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After seizing the armoury/prison, the heretics have stocked up on daemon weapons. Including:

 

  • a great weapon which is essentially the Mace of Sauron, but slightly more so.
  • a mirrored shield which spawns annoying little imps (Spellbound Harrier Imps) at anyone you're fighting. Or anyone helping you in the fight. Which is a more of an issue. Especially combined with the slaaneshi's already ridiculous aura of stat penalties.
  • a shortsword which "glows red in the presence of stupid ideas"
  • a sickle sword whose combined bonuses to parry are actually higher than the wielder's weaponskill
  • a man-portable ectoplasma cannon possessed by a great unclean one which refuses on general principles to ever fire on a setting other than 'maximal'. The resulting mushroom clouds from firing it can be mistaken for light orbital bombardment.

 

 

Dat extoplasma canon.

 

Chaos marine; "Ok carefull, carfefull. We want them alive for now."

 

 

 

 

Those are probably the most terrifying words a CSM can ever say...

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Dat extoplasma canon.

 

Chaos marine; "Ok carefull, carfefull. We want them alive for now."

Daemon weapon: "The boons of Nurgle shall be many!" *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Chaos marine: "Nooooooo!"

 

To be fair, we had something similar in the preceding session - see the comment about the Slaaneshi getting a Needle Of Desire embedded in her forearm and trying to kill everyone. The Khornate rushed up and said something to the effect of "don't worry, I'll help!" whilst unslinging a legacy weapon rune axe rather aptly named Godslaughterer and declaring a called shot against the arm with the embedded weapon.

 

"No more helping! Please no more helping!" was about all the Slaaneshi managed to whimper after passing out on massive critical damage

 

That shortsword would be glowing permanently red in many of the adventures I've been involved with.......

It was initially meant as a one-liner Sting joke, but it's actually been a useful GM tool; an in-game representation of the GM giving you The Look and asking "Are You Really Sure About That?".

Edited by Magnus Grendel

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Dat extoplasma canon.

 

Chaos marine; "Ok carefull, carfefull. We want them alive for now."

Daemon weapon: "The boons of Nurgle shall be many!" *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Chaos marine: "Nooooooo!"

 

To be fair, we had something similar in the preceding session - see the comment about the Slaaneshi getting a Needle Of Desire embedded in her forearm and trying to kill everyone. The Khornate rushed up and said something to the effect of "don't worry, I'll help!" whilst unslinging a legacy weapon rune axe rather aptly named Godslaughterer and declaring a called shot against the arm with the embedded weapon.

 

"No more helping! Please no more helping!" was about all the Slaaneshi managed to whimper after passing out on massive critical damage

 

 

 

That shortsword would be glowing permanently red in many of the adventures I've been involved with.......

It was initially meant as a one-liner Sting joke, but it's actually been a useful GM tool; an in-game representation of the GM giving you The Look and asking "Are You Really Sure About That?".

 

 

This is why I don't get to GM:

 

Khornate player: "I declare called shot to the arm!"

 

GM: "Called shot to the head. Gotcha!"

 

KP: "No dude! To the arm!"

 

GM: "head?"

 

KP: No! My character want's to cut of the arm!"

 

GM: "But your character is a Khornate champion of Khorne. Aren't you required to go for the head? Skulls for the skull throne and all that?"

 

KP: "We can still hack off other things!"

 

GM: "Fine! I still think there should be a to hit penalty on none head targets..."

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