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Scene correction, anyone?

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Hey, everyone. First post in this part of the forum... and I need help. You see, I'm writing a story that has Anima: Beyond Fantasy materials involved in it, and I wanted to make it easier to understand for people unfamiliar with the series... even my co-author for the story.


Anyone have any writing experience that could be useful for this situation? If you want info... I'll paste it in right now:




In a cave system far away from Konoha….


“She’s late,” a woman that looked like a harlequin said to the gathering in front of her.


“Who are you talking about? Her Majesty Eljared, Anne Fatima, or Youko Kyubi?” a youngish woman with pale complexion and a lot of tattoos asked the first woman.


The “harlequin” turned to the second woman and looked her in her cobalt eyes, saying, “Lilith, even you should know that Eljared is never late. She always arrives when she wants to. Anne is running an errand for Nemesis right now, even though Nemesis is unable to say much of anything on that subject, so it’ll take a while for her to get here. It’s Youko that I’m worried about. She hasn’t shown up to a meeting in at least ten years!”


“Indeed, that would pose a problem,” a young man spoke up. This young man was close to fourteen years old, with dark but graying hair, cerulean eyes and a scar on his right cheek that he obsessively scratches at, preventing it from healing. He wore dark clothing that nobility would have worn during Europe’s Enlightenment period. “I would assume that Lady Eljared would have a countermeasure to this issue, given that she’s needed before something drastic happens, but, as it stands right now, we have no hope of knowing our leader’s plans.”


“Bah! The idiot woman that thinks so highly of herself must be off as someone’s slave, which serves her right,” an older man said to the others. This man had slight draconic features, given that he managed to stave off turning into an outright dragon with his mystical powers, even if only temporarily.


“Be that as it may, we still don’t know all the circumstances to her disappearance, so it could very well be likely that Youko is handling the situation very well,” a third man said to the rest. This man, young in appearance with pale skin and long black hair like soot, wore the clothes of nobility similar to the young man with the scar, and carried a scythe with him for much of his time away from his duties as a noble.


“Heh. I have to admit, this isn’t so much a joke as it is a way to find our missing ally, wherever she may be,” a fourth man said. This man wore a lot of techno armor that was highly out of place in the world around him, which he covered up with a hooded robe.


It was at that point when a third woman arrived in the cave, rushing to the group in question. “I’m sorry I’m late, I was looking all over for the Eye of the Moon!”


With an exasperated sigh, the first woman nearly shouted, “Still?! After all this time, you’re still looking for this Eye of the Moon, when it obviously doesn’t exist in our side of the Wake?! Anne, you really need to take Nemesis and his errands with a grain of salt!”


“Millenium, settle down.”


That order was what made the group come to attention, turning to face a woman that had the bearing of royalty. As soon as the gathered people looked at the woman that practically screamed royalty, they knelt to the ground in adoration of her. Whether or not she really was royalty was up for debate, but it wasn’t up for debate that she was their leader, the one they were utterly loyal to.


The one known as Millenium said, while still bowing, “I apologize. I wasn’t completely aware of what my words may have done in this situation. I will think before I speak in the future.”


The woman that screamed royalty merely lifted a hand to placate Millenium, saying, “There’s no need to apologize. I know that you have had problems with Nemesis for a while, but much of it was my fault, in that I didn’t teach him the appropriate skills he needed. In fact, the reason why he isn’t here is because I’m giving him those lessons he needs, by sending him to the Imperial University of the Angel for advanced instruction on human interaction.”


At this point, Lilith spoke up again, “Your majesty, not to sound rude, but… well, why would sending Nemesis to a well known school be a good idea? I know that he hasn’t figured himself out like a person his apparent age should, but really, school?! Is that really a good idea?”


“Whether or not it’s a good idea is not up for debate, Lilith,” Eljared said. “I need him to know more of the social norms. In fact, when he finishes his education, that will be when his next assignment will commence.”


“If you don’t mind my asking, Your Majesty,” the young man with the scar spoke up. “When will Nemesis return?”


Before Eljared said anything, a ripple appeared in the middle of the clearing, revealing a man with silvery hair and cobalt eyes. Turning to face Eljared, he bowed and said, “Mission accomplished. Social norms added to my knowledge.”


“I’m grateful. You did well,” Eljared said to Nemesis. “Stand straight… all of you.”


With that, all of her present subordinates in the New Conclave’s higher ups stood up, awaiting their orders.


It didn’t take long to get their orders, as Eljared said, “Nemesis, you and Anne are to go to Sector X18999 and do two things. Both will be long-term missions, so make sure to keep a proper cover at all times. The first thing is to find and annihilate the one known as Kurama, the alternate of Youko Kyubi. The second thing, which might be easier, is to retrieve Youko from her current prison. You will find her with enough looking… though I don’t know when you’ll find her, I know you will.”


With a salute, Anne said, “Your Excellency.” As soon as those words left her mouth, she and Nemesis left in a ripple of energy.


“Exodo, you and the others are to prepare for the Breach of Heaven in six years time, as we’ll need all the help we can get.”

Exodo, the one with the scar, gave a curt bow and replied elegantly, “As you wish.” With that, he and the rest left the cave system via their unique methods.




...if it wasn't clear before, I want to clean up the scene, and make it easily understandable for those unfamiliar with the franchise. Anyone have any good editing skills for this?

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