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Ork vs. Marine


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#1 Cryxx

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Posted 05 March 2009 - 08:21 AM

This is just a simple, short battlescene, just to see if I was able to write one. I'm sorry for any gramma and spelling errors, english isn't my native language.

Enjoy!

 

The big chunky powerclaw that formed the right hand and lower arm of the big ork warboss smashed into the brick wall, just missing the head of the traitor marine.
The big greenskin grunted as he pulled his powerklaw out of the wall, tearing down some bricks while doing so and scraping of some of the blue paint covering the crude mechanical arm.
The marine moved back a few steps, gripping his big, two-handed hammer tighter, his bionic eye scanning and adjusting to the movement of the big ork in front of him, trying to determine the best means of attack.
He measured his size; the big green behemoth was at least twice his size and the muscles could clearly be seen underneath his dark green skin which was riddled with the scars of a thousand battles or more.

 

“yu marine boyz ‘ave no’in ta do ‘ere, diz worl’ belong to da big warlord Grazhnuk.”

The ork lunged towards the marine who calmly stepped to the side and swung his mighty hammer into the massive claw swinging towards him hitting it with a thunderous crack.
The big brute stumbled back and looked down his arm, looking at the big chunk of wrecked metal hanging loosely from his arm, only attached by a few wires.
He shook his arm releasing the burden of the now useless claw which fell heavily to the ground, exposing the stump at the end of his big, thick arm where a hand had once been attached many years ago, now covered in a mix of black oil and blood.
He reached for a handle behind his back and pulled out a massive sword shaped weapon, its full length covered in metal teeth and at the flick of a switch its exhausts spit out black clouds of smoke as its fangs took speed and roared like a massive beast.

Just as he was about to approach the marine a huge explosion send him flying back into the wall and down on the ground.
When the smoke settled the marine lay on the ground his legs severed at the knees and blood slowly dripping from his suit of armour.
The warboss picked himself up and grabbed his weapon, its teeth still running and its motor still roaring, planting his massive steel plated boot on the back of the marine now crawling, pinning him to the ground and swung his massive sword at his neck, severing his head with the sound of flesh and metal, painting his arm red with blood.
The ork holstered his weapon once again and looked down at a big piece of shrapnel sticking out from his chest, tore it out and looked at it with disgust and then threw it over his shoulder.
“Hmph, weedy ‘umies” he said to himself as he walked off towards the sound of battle.

 



#2 DocIII

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Posted 20 March 2009 - 07:14 AM

The word "big" appears 10 times in these three paragraphs.



#3 Cryxx

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Posted 05 April 2009 - 04:23 PM

Good observation...but I fail to see what the point of the comment was.



#4 N0-1_H3r3

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Posted 07 April 2009 - 08:34 AM

Cryxx said:

Good observation...but I fail to see what the point of the comment was.

In my experience, it's usually a good idea to avoid repeating the same words in the same context over and over again - using synonyms of the desired word tends to help "unclog" the text a little bit in this regard, so for example the first paragraph (changing only the word "big" for equivalent terms, or in one case removing it entirely - you don't need to qualify "green behemoth" with "big", as "behemoth" already conveys size quite adequately by itself) could instead read (just by way of example):

The massive, chunky powerclaw that formed the right hand and lower arm of the hulking ork warboss smashed into the brick wall, just missing the head of the traitor marine.
The colossal greenskin grunted as he pulled his powerklaw out of the wall, tearing down some bricks while doing so and scraping of some of the blue paint covering the crude mechanical arm.
The marine moved back a few steps, gripping his immense, two-handed hammer tighter, his bionic eye scanning and adjusting to the movement of the gigantic ork in front of him, trying to determine the best means of attack.
He measured his size; the green behemoth was at least twice his size and the muscles could clearly be seen underneath his dark green skin which was riddled with the scars of a thousand battles or more.

Already, doing that, IMO, makes the text flow a little better. It's a decent little vignette otherwise, but the repeated use of "big" is a little jarring.


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#5 The Legendary Jack Slayer

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Posted 08 August 2009 - 10:33 PM

Cryxx said:

 

This is just a simple, short battlescene, just to see if I was able to write one. I'm sorry for any gramma and spelling errors, english isn't my native language.

 

 

I would just point out that Cryxx openly says that english is not his first language. Could you write a battle scene in say Polish or Dutch perfectly?

It's a nice little scene, one that is very familiar. Orc vs. Marine feels like home for Warhammer 40k.

 



#6 DocIII

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Posted 21 September 2009 - 05:34 AM

Good point, accidentally skipped over the "not my native language" qualifier on first read.  Damned impressive for someone writing in a second language.






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