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Pessimistic satire!


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#1 Gnutten

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 10:21 AM

Hi kids!

Today were gonna play Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay! Cheers!

I've got some pens and a huge starter box so we got all we need to play. Well, me and 3 others that is, Jimmy you have to share Thomas box... and his skills... and I prefer if you don't talk actually.

Well kids, fist you gonna pull a card and see what race you are... you can be human, dwarf, elf or elf.

What? Halfling? Nooo... I said Elf... or elf. Elves are cool you'll see! Hopefully you'll be able to play Darkelf and Dragon(ogre)born when the next expansion comes out, but for the moment you have to settle with elf or elf... and perhaps human if you're dull. Now pull a card! Ahh... elf.

And now you pull a card for your name! Drizztolas! Sounds cool!

Then we pull a profession! Oh sweet, you're a Warlord (of Morr)! Well, its almost as a warrior but you shout more... and like death... and are a bit more cool...

Well this ain't a board game... but the game comes with the Arkham horror pawns with elves on them. So if you imagine that you stand in a 5x5 room and have you imaginary pawns at the imaginary door! Eh... well not there, a little more to the left. Ah, perfect!

Well Thomas, do you have the actions card for listening at the door? Rulebook? Nah, well keep all the rules by cards nowadays! It makes rulebooks unnecessary! What? Well we got 4 of them in the box, instead of one hardback, but they're primarily a reference text explaining the cards and cool tokens you'll get in the game. Well, get though your playing deck and see if you can find the card for listening at doors. Eh... Birds of Paradise? Oh... must got in the deck by mistake. Sigh... tell me when you're ready.

Ah, there it is! Now you can decide if you listen to the door carefully or if you got an aggressive stance when you listen to the door! What? How? Well I suppose that you roar a bit and look really angry if you're trying to listen to the door in an aggressive stance... but you roll more happy happy shiny blue dice if you do! And you can actually get another happy happy blue dice if we got the group marked as happy happy och the group character sheet! What do the group sheet say? Manic depressive? Bugger... is that Jimmy messing around now again?

Your card says you can roll four happy happy blue dice for you listening attempt. Eh... numbers? No we don't do that, it feels sooo 90:s. The listening dice is a blue d8 with an ear icon on four of the sides. What? Flip a coin?!!! Nah, this is something completely different! What? Roll 4+ on a d6?? Sigh, what do you get this silly ideas from? You don't get an unparalleled story-telling option from ordinary dice mind you! Now roll the happy happy blue dice! Fine, two ear tokens! That means you hear (flip a GM card) aha 1 critter dice orcs in there! The critter dice is a red dice with 1,2,3,4,5 or 6 orcy dots on them! Not an ordinary dice, its a red critter dice mind you!

The orcs are annoyed by your aggressive listening so the break though the imaginary door and attack! ROAAAAR! Now I roll the happy orcy green violence dice! (looking through the dice bag) Bugger... somewhere... blast missed it! Sigh... We have to try to survive this fight with the yellow violence dice instead. OK... the orcs attack you.... well... in some aggressive stance I suppose. And their group morale is set to... pretty pissed. That makes 5 violence dice! (roll roll)

Soo... I can see at least 2 concussion icons, one nutcracker and one insulted ego, so this fight didn't go that well for you. You have to discard one life card from you deck! No, that's a social encounter card.... nope that's the shoplifting card... and that's another freakin Bird of Paradise! You don't got any life cards left?! oh you're dead then I suppose... hehe bugger!

Don't be sad, you can always pull another card to do another character!
 



#2 Varnias Tybalt

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 10:23 AM

Wow! You're probably the first person on this forum who went out of their way and made pessmisitic remarks about this game! You unique and special person you...

(... Is there actually a need for me to say that im being profoundly sarcastic here?)



#3 Gnutten

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 10:26 AM

Like people trolling the trolls?



#4 Captin'

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 10:32 AM

Captin' approves. Well, maybey it is a wee bit trollic in a way, but i like it anyhow.



#5 Varnias Tybalt

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 10:43 AM

Gnutten said:

Like people trolling the trolls?

You asked for it mate...



#6 Kani

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 10:52 AM

Well I think this is exceptionally funny no matter how the game turns out



#7 Jacques el arcabucero

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 11:27 AM

Jajajajaja!! great, comrade Gnutten!!



#8 Nahuris

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 12:24 PM

It honestly was amusing....

 

Nahuris

 



#9 Knight Panther

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 06:51 PM

This returns my mind too KODT - sounds like B.A.!



#10 Dirach

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 07:12 PM

I'm looking forward to the new edition, but still this was amusing.



#11 Armrek

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 10:02 PM

Although the new game still is unknown to most of us, this was fun hear - hear ;-)



#12 Gnutten

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Posted 26 August 2009 - 12:00 PM

When I read the new FAQ I realized that some of the stuff in this satire should be revised now when new information has reached us...

Well this ain't a board game... but the game comes with the 49 (!) Arkham horror pawns with elves on them.

And this is actually even more funny when the FAQ starts with "This is NOT a board game" and that this piece of information information felt especially important in the Video.

We have also received new information about the dice... and now its clearer that you will use A LOT of them and really a big mix of different ones for each action. And the dice you get from the box feels like enough for one player so you have pass these 36 custom dice around the table... and this sure sounds time efficient.

Hmm... I want to hit you in the head.. then I need hmm... six blue cause I'm strong, two red cause I'm pissed, one purple cause you got a helmet, another purple cause you got a codpiece, one yellow cause Ive seen a Youtube clip of people using weapons before, one white cause I think I should have one and three black cause our party sheet has been lost... wheeere are they.... grab grab... AH here!

Major roll roll roll action (rumble rumble sound effect)

Then we have... eh... two blue hammers, one white hammer, one red hammer,darn another blue one, some skulls, more skull, some chickens, a pirate flag and some crosses. And according to the card I suppose I beat you in all the colours of the rainbow cause I'm pissed and all that aye nice one! Oh you want to dodge? Well then you should use five blue ones cause you are quick, 3 green cause you careful and slow... a purple etc etc...

Another nice touch is the Adventurers toolkit for that bargain price 30 bucks... a box that you really want if you have more than 3 players in your group... but that they made sure that you still want even if you got only 2 players cause you does not only get additional cards for more players but also specific new cards you don't get in the main box. But still no extra dice though...

And off course that satire feels rather out of date if i doesn't include a party sheet that instruct people exactly when they shouldn't get along witheach other and the puzzle element from the stance pieces.


 



#13 donbaloo

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Posted 26 August 2009 - 12:38 PM

 Well you got a chuckle out of me!

Highlights: "elf or...elf", "Drizztolas" (and elves generally get the same reaction from me in RPGs these days), and "And their group morale is set to... pretty pissed."

Bravo! 



#14 Retina

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Posted 26 August 2009 - 04:12 PM

This was very funny, thanks!

Aboot the elves...you could say 'well the wood elves are elves with sticks in their hair and the high elves are elves with sticks up their..." froooom tish...thanks, be here all week, remember to tip your waitress and try the halfling!



#15 Knight Panther

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Posted 26 August 2009 - 08:10 PM

Oh Gnutten - you raise a good lough on me! Go on with it!!



#16 Foolishboy

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Posted 27 August 2009 - 02:39 AM

Gnutten said:

 

Ah, there it is! Now you can decide if you listen to the door carefully or if you got an aggressive stance when you listen to the door! What? How? Well I suppose that you roar a bit and look really angry if you're trying to listen to the door in an aggressive stance...  

 

 

The whole thing is funny, but this made me LOL.



#17 Sunatet

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Posted 27 August 2009 - 08:55 AM


You made my day mate
F A N T A S T I C



#18 Reclusiarch

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Posted 27 August 2009 - 10:54 AM

Needs more sarcasm. :)



#19 ymrar

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Posted 27 August 2009 - 06:40 PM

Needs more cowbell!  (sorry, couldnt resist it)



#20 Karl XII

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Posted 27 August 2009 - 09:49 PM

Excellent Gnutten!






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