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Your Funny Deathwatch Storys.


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#61 Ansalagon

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Posted 26 March 2014 - 01:28 PM

We weren't actually that contemptuous of lesser men, we just figured it would be easier to kill everyone than to explain that we screwed up. ;)

The dark gods approve ;)



#62 Alrik Vas

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Posted 27 March 2014 - 05:01 PM

It would have been a lot of paperwork...

 

And I hear Cornflakes abhores paperwork like the Black Tempars abhor the Witch, makes sense.



#63 Lord Master Igneus

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Posted 30 March 2014 - 01:29 PM

So I gm'd my first mission today, we had to call it a day halfway through but it went very well with a few funny moments.

 

Basically the mission was to create a distraction for our stealth guy, a wolf-scout who went into a Tau base to sabotage stuff. Our team consisted of said Wolf-Scout, a Stormseer whom I allowed to take a bike as signature wargear, an assault marine, a DA devastator, myself (as my own character that I will be using in other missions that my friend will be gming with the same group) as a Salamanders successor Librarian, and a custom Chapter Tac, Marine.

 

First off our Stormseer rammed his bike through the compound's walls and into a fire warrior barracks, he broke the magnitude 30 horde in there with a single pushed avenger, and proceeded to back out of the hole he made in the wall. Our Assault Marine, Kilgar (a Charcarodon from the planet of Kilgaria) proceeded to jump pack up onto the walls of the compound, where he saw an Ethereal being guarded by 2 Kroot Shapers, he basically activated the flyer trait from his pack and proceeded to fly through the windows where the Ethereal was. Now he rolled for his power armor and got the MK V, and his two histories were ones that both gave him Fear (1), so after smashing through the window one of the shapers is immobilized by fear, the other attacks him and his lacking hunting knife is unable to do any damage through Kilgar's armor and toughness. This happens several times. Kilgar goes after the feared shaper and manages to kill him and get the highest critical damage on his arm and torso so now everything around the dead shaper is splattered in blood. We all started laughing pretty hard as I read the description off the critical table. And then Kilgar yelled "I **** YOU FOR THE EMPEROR!"

 

Now our Stormseer, Khan Khaan, who has named his bike Maria (before our mission while we were requisitioning stuff he roleplayed him stroking his bike and talking to it, we all assume that he is practicing some chogorian tradition or something), rams another hole in the compounds wall and also rams into the living quarters of several Water Caste envoys, they are all somewhat terrified and he yells at them and uses his Vox-Caster to "sound like Darth Vader" and makes one of the envoys at gunpoint clean Maria with his face. We did not hear this and if we did we would question his purity.



#64 Annaamarth

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Posted 30 March 2014 - 05:02 PM

See, this reads almost like a Deathwatch thread.

 

Most of this?  I felt like I was reading Paranoia.


RIP AND TEAR THROUGH THE TIDE OF BLOOD WITH BATTLESUIT PILOT. SUPLEX HIVE TYRANTS. DO WHATEVER, YOU'RE PILOTING A HUGE-ASS MECHA.

 -Errant, on how Rogue Trader ought to be played


#65 Alrik Vas

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Posted 31 March 2014 - 01:45 PM

You guys ever do the Adventure where you go to Arum?  The world were everyone is Space Marine sized?

 

We were marveling over the term "hand fruit", the tree growing fruit on the world.  We were confused at first (we figured it was an apple or something, but still...HAND FRUIT!?) and continuously made jokes about the arumites because of it.  So at one point our tactical marine let one go, reached behind him and held his hand out to our scout and made a serious face.

 

"Have some hand gas."



#66 Amazing Larry

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Posted 05 April 2014 - 04:04 AM

We've had exactly one session and the GM is running us through the introductory adventure in the core rulebook. I have deliberately avoided reading anything that might spoil any of it and I have no idea how off or on the rails we might be or which bits he may have fabricated himself on the spot so bear with me and don't spoil any future ****.

 

Well anyway on the ship ride aboard an RT vessel there was a rating who was involved in some strange crime, my character being a Blood Raven Librarian is a nosy prick who has to know everything about all stuff all the time looked into it out of curiosity and this led me to some room full of servitors that happened to be full of heretekal code. Long story short we don't have a tech Marine so after slapping down all but one we grappled it and restraining it we carried the thing all the way through the ship to the magos enginseer and made him investigate it and explain it to us.

 

Similarly when we reached out destination the local king guy wanted us to kill some dragon thing that ate some other things that were basically chocobos. I dealt it one damage by throwing a chocobo at it as hard as I could and then grappled it to mixed success because I couldn't use my psychic powers because we needed a clean trophy for politics and without my powers I'm the most useless ******* in the group by alot so I figured I'd just grapple and worst case it would be too busy beating the **** out of me to avoid getting killed by the Space Wolf Assault Marine and I was right.

 

So anyway after all that nonsense I consulted the wieght chart and determined that between the three of us we could carry the body, so we did. We carried the dead dragon thing all the way back to the king guy and dumped it on the floor of his throne room so he would know we were hardcore and then I told him to join the Imperium and stop being a pain.


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#67 Alrik Vas

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Posted 12 April 2014 - 11:45 AM

This is proper.

 

I won't get into the detail, as you said you don't want to know, but the Diablodon is a huge jerk.  We left our gear behind and used sticks against it.  Fun fight, but really rough.


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#68 Dideon Ibric

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Posted 01 May 2014 - 02:55 PM

Last night, we found ourselves on the "Black Engine", a Chaos train no less, fighting a mutated psyker and its heretechservitor stooges. Our devastator, walking around with an excellent lascannon, decides to shoot the psykerthing in the face. With a casual roll of the die, he inflicts about 57 damage. Our GM describes:

 

"Instead of dodging the blast, the psyker jumps right in the middle of the beam. You notice a third eye on his forehead that starts glowing red". 

 

Meanwhile, the assault marine goes into frenzy, and I (librarian) throw a grenade in the middle of the servitors, calling upon the warp for a "true strike" to disable the psyker. The psyker decides to start barfing and create himself a barfshield to augment his armour.

 

Next round, our perhaps not so bright devastator (and incidently my real life brother), decides that the adagium "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" doesn't really apply to enemies and decides to take another shot at him. This time causing another whopping 45 damage. Our GM makes a facepalm and describes again that the psyker is now manicly laughing us in the face and that his red eye is glowing even brighter. 

 

The assault marine starts clearing up the servitors that came in melee range and I, to clear the path for him (to go melee with the psyker and my own pending melee attacks) use "avenger". Although this dispatches the servitors, the psyker seems only more pleased with this as the fire adds to his power.

 

The psyker then throws a ball of barf to the devastator, who dodges the projectile easily.

 

Then, our devastator, not hindered by any rational thought or strategy ("best defence is offence, right?"), blasts the psyker one more time with his lacannon, this time hitting the frakker with a whopping 68 damage. At that point, our GM, looking incredulous at the die, starts rolling some die himself, 10 of themdeclaring that the psyker has been overloaded and goes supernova, causing 78 damage in a 20 meter radius, which easily encompassed the whole kill team. 

 

Our devastator seemed a bit dumbfounded at that message...

 

In my defense, it did kill the psyker and we were all still standing. You cannot expect a devastator to understand the finer details of warp-witchcraft. At the time it was the most sound thing to do: the psyker got staggered with every shot and my battlebrother assured me he could block the psychic powers with his own. The resulting explosion was merely an unforseen consequence of a tactically sound maneuver. Besides, brother, this is how legends are born.


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#69 Annaamarth

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Posted 01 May 2014 - 03:22 PM

... You must be a Space Wolf.

RIP AND TEAR THROUGH THE TIDE OF BLOOD WITH BATTLESUIT PILOT. SUPLEX HIVE TYRANTS. DO WHATEVER, YOU'RE PILOTING A HUGE-ASS MECHA.

 -Errant, on how Rogue Trader ought to be played


#70 Magnus Grendel

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Posted 02 May 2014 - 01:26 AM

Most recently, the Kill-team was sent to capture a chaos raider (subsequently to be used to infiltrate a stigmartus base)

 

The Kill-team hit the engineerium of the raider ship like an avalanche, bursting out of their assault ram with guns blazing. As you might expect, armsman units - even well-equipped ones - can't stand up to astartes in a close-quarter firefight.

 

They ripped through the maintenance decks, until they spotted (due to their telepathic librarian) that a flanking counterassault force was moving through an adjacent compartment. The Space Wolf - always one for decisive action - pulled off a mixed belt of frag grenades and demo charges and flung it through the bulkhead hatch towards the defenders, shoving it closed behind him.

 

A second or so afterwards, he noticed that the hatch had a sign on it saying "capacitor chamber" and "high energy systems - risk of explosion" on it.

 

(In fairness, these were also on the key to the map on the table in front of the players, not that they payed attention.)

 

He got as far as "Oh, Ar..." before most of the deck went up.

 

 

 

On the plus side, the raider did have an authentic 'battle damaged' look when it was used in the next mission.


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#71 Lord Master Igneus

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Posted 02 May 2014 - 01:20 PM

So this was intentional but funny nonetheless. At the start of our second mission we arrived at a mechanicus facility that was going to be raided by an Ork Kaptin and his large raiding force. We had to defend it and prevent him from getting inside and taking all the "shiny bitz". Upon arriving we met with the Commissar in charge of the penal legion tasked with defending the facility. Upon greeting the kill-team mid-sentence his head is blown off by a stray ork bullet, luckily our Black Templar was able to rally and restore the morale of the penal legionnaires.

 

Towards the end of our defense our Stormseer, who was on the inevitable path to being corrupted by chaos, took his bike out into battle and wound up being surrounded by a ton of boyz and gretchin. Now he has a tendency to push all of his powers, and he first off disabled his bike when rolling on psychic phenomena, and then got perils of the warp later and stunned himself after dismounting his bike (we are pretty sure that he mounted his bike in other ways somehow inbetween missions. By the time he recovers from being stunned our reinforcements arrived and because he was in the middle of the largest concentration of enemies, he was on the receiving end of a basilisk artillery barrage.

 

Needless to say he is no longer with us. Although we aren't too upset about that because he would have probably wound up summoning a Daemon Prince at an inconvenient time.

 

Our Black Templar probably wasn't disappointed by this either.

 

I also named the Commissar leading the reinforcements Commissar Sanders, upon naming him our Stormseer hoped that he would reward us with chicken, which is ironic because my friend who was playing him hates chicken in real life.



#72 Alrik Vas

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Posted 03 May 2014 - 03:27 PM

That's...commissar losing his head immediately...

 

:wub:






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