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Icarus


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#1 FearMyLvl

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Posted 29 May 2014 - 12:48 AM

Hi, i'm a noob writer and i tried my hand at writing a story.

i'm not finished yet but i'd like some feedback and advice before i continue to make sure i can correct any mistakes i made. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated and i hope you guys enjoy the story!

“… DEVOTE OUR LIVES TO THE EMPEROR. LIFE IS THE EMPEROR’S CURRENCY; SPEND IT WELL. THE EMPEROR PROTECTS.” Ended the broadcast.

“The Emperor Protects.” Echoed the crowd.

I made my way from the crowd, the din of several thousand pairs of feet moving away from the hive square. The ceiling of the Lower Hive high above my head. I was bumped and jostled as everyone made their way back to their jobs.

I started to head home, but not long after I heard several pairs of footsteps behind me.

“Oi, Icarus!” cried a voice from behind me, I recognized the voice; it belonged to that of Cardius, flanked by his gang. I clenched my fists and faced my tormentor, his hair was short and unkempt, his eyes narrow and piercing, while his mouth was a thin line. He moved with as much grace as a block of iron, but he may have well been due to the hardiness of his limbs. Thick and built from constantly working at the local lasgun factory, he looked in every aspect like a thief and a hive urchin; but then again, all of us did.

“What do you want?” I answered, attempting to keep my voice steady but I couldn’t keep it from revealing a small tremor. He noticed this and replied, “Still angry about the time I stole your face in the dirt?” I kept silent; my eyes tracking his movements.

“By the emperor! You’re as stupid as a feral ork and smell just as bad as one too!” he sneered, eliciting laughs and giggles from his underlings.

“And you would know what an ork smells like? You’ve never been off this planet.” I replied,

“Sure I do.” He grinned, “One’s standing right in front of me!” a roar of laughter came from his goons.

“Shut up.” I muttered through gritted teeth, I clenched and unclenched my fists as I struggled to keep my anger in check.

“What’re you gonna do? Hm? Get your daddy to come after me?” he giggled.

“Don’t talk about my father.” I said. “He serves the Emperor, unlike you.” Cardius’ eyes darkened at that last comment, an idea formed in his head as he bore a vicious smile.

“Well, well, well boys.” He drawled, “I think we ought to teach Icarus here a lesson in respect.” His gang formed a tight circle around, advancing slowly, some brandished makeshift weapons in the form of rusty blades and long pieces of scrap metal. I barely knew how to throw a punch, much less win a brawl against seven other people.my eyes darted around rapidly and my heart turned into a drumbeat as I tried to look confident; raising my fists, head tucked in; desperately attempting an illusion of a fighter, but I dreaded the pain I was about to suffer.

“Hey! Leave him alone!” cried a voice.

I glanced at Cardius; he was just as surprised as I was. I wondered who my would-be savior could be. I glanced at the source of the voice; I was stunned.

The voice came from a (description).

“Go away girlie.” Cardius growled, “This is between me and ork boy over here.” Cardius’ gang shook themselves out of stupor and began advancing again. “I said, Leave. Him. Alone.” Repeated the voice; with more conviction this time.

Cardius bore a stiff smile as he slowly turned around; the flames of malice danced in his eyes. He stared at her for several moments before uttering a single word:

“No”

The girl stood her ground, her chin raised up in defiance and her eyes glaring las-beams at him.

The showdown went on for several more seconds before an Enforcer of the Adeptus Arbites showed up.

“What’s going on over here?” he demanded casting a stern gaze towards all of us, his hand hovering threateningly over the handle of a shock maul.

“Nothing officer.” muttered Cardius finally breaking off the contest, glaring at the girl, who returned his gaze, he motioned towards his goons and they followed wordlessly.

I knew his pride had been damaged, far worse than any punch or kick, he glanced at me briefly as he made his way towards the factories. A glance that lasted only a moment; but I would see the amount of hatred he bore for me.

I shuddered, thinking about what would have happened if the girl didn’t arrive. With a nod to both of us the Enforces continued with his patrol around the hive square.

I turned around and spotted the girl,

“Thanks”

She nodded before heading towards the power factories,

“Wait!” i cried, “What’s your name?”

I ran after her but she had already disappeared amongst the twisting alleys of the hive.

I sighed and looked around to make sure Cardius hadn’t doubled back after the enforcer left.

------------

The boy swept his eyes across the square before heaving a sigh and exiting through an alley. A figure dressed in midnight colored robes tracked his movement.

Boy shows knowledge of basic combat stance, father mentioned… Imperial Guard perhaps?  He thought, hmph, no combat data acquired due to intervention…

Hmm, the girl… I’ll have to check.

He tipped his head down and melted into the shadows as he made his way to headquarters of the Adeptus Arbites.

------------

Moriah ducked and rolled, a meaty fist impacted the wall behind him, where a moment ago he had stood.

“Git ‘im Snikstompa!”

The yells and cheers of the audience roared in Moriah’s ears, His opponent: an ork of massive proportions snarled and lunged at him. Moriah sidestepped the charge and drove his elbows into the xeno’s back. The ork straightened himself and eyed Moriah warily.

“I got ya right where I want ya humie.”

The ork lurched at him, and when Moriah jumped to the right the ork mirrored his actions and they both went down in a tangled heap. The crowd roared as the fight finally progressed into the next stage.

The ork head-butted Moriah who in kind responded by upper cutting Snikstompa’s chin.

“Dat almost ‘urt.” The ork taunted with a grin.

Moriah side kicked and connected with Snikstompa’s ribcage causing him to emit a loud, “Oof!”

The crowd laughed and began cheering for Moriah.

The ork growled, “Oi! Shut it ya gitz!”

Moriah dodged a jab and elbowed Snikstompa in the head which only served to anger him more. The ork growled and bear-hugged Moriah in a crushing embrace, attempting to squeeze the life out of him.

He felt the air from his lungs rush out of him and red dots began to swim around the edge of his vision. In a move of desperation Moriah grabbed the ork’s skull and gouged his eyes, causing Snikstompa to release his hold.

Moriah immediately backed off to allow his tortured lungs the sweet relief of air. At the same time the ork rubbed his eyes in a futile attempt to regain vision but only ended up irritating them more.

“Oi, zog it, I doan need eyes ta beat you oomie!”

Snikstompa tried approximate to the best of his ability as to where Moriah was, but being that his forte was in brute strength he was off by a staggering distance.

Moriah formed a plan in his head, one that used the beast’s own strength against itself.

“Ehy! Greenskin!” Moriah struggled to find insults the ork would comprehend, “Uhh... You’re a git!”

Snikstompa roared, “WOT’D YOU SAY TO ME ‘UMIE?! AIN’T NO BODY CALL ME A GIT!”

He seemed to find his bearings as he charged Moriah who backed up against the wall, continuing to shout insults so the ork would not lose his way.

“You grot! You couldn’t hit a squiggoth with a shoota if it was standing right in front of you!”

Snikstompa snarled and sprinted even faster.

As he approached Moriah comically sidestepped the greenskin’s idiotic attempt and Snikstompa crashed headfirst into the wall behind Moriah, carrying all the momentum he had built up.

The ork crowd went wild, cheering Moriah’s name.

He heard footsteps behind him and whirled around to find two orks approached from the tunnel. Both glared at the unconscious form of Snikstompa with disappointment.

“Doan get too cocky ‘umie, Snikstompa dere za zoggin grot ‘e is.”

Moriah said nothing as he was led back to his cell.

“Yer next match is gunna be a lot ‘arder den dis wun.”

The ork locked his cell shut and left with his companion, both snickering about, “‘ow ‘e’s gunna get stomped.”

Moriah sat down and took a deep breath, attempting to sooth his burning muscles. He checked for injuries adrenaline might have blocked out, but found only minor cuts and bruises. He breathed in again; the air smelled of sweat and mold.

He steeled himself for the next fight.

------------

The Administratum serf tapped a few keys on his terminal, his fingers worked with practiced habit as he quickly filed a request for an audience with the Marshal,

“We’ll contact you in three to five days.”

The old man nodded before hobbling away, clutching at the poor excuse for a crutch as he exited the Fortress, casting a sideways glance at the man who strode so confidently.

The serf went back to resolving a misfile in the archives, he glanced at the screen and saw it could be easily rectified by re cataloguing a few records.

A shadow passed over him.

The serf looked up, cocking his head,

“How may I help you?”

The stranger smiled, his wide brimmed hat concealing everything but his jaw,

“I need full access to your database.”

The serf scoffed, a leer forming at his lip as he cocked his head,

“On whose authority?”

The stranger’s smile faded as he shifted, revealing a seal embedded into the center of his carapace armor.

Instantly the serf’s face blanched with fear and trembled as he spoke; his earlier expressions immediately wiped from his face,

“O-of course sir, I’ll j-just need to check in with Marshal Parius.”

The stranger chuckled as the serf ran off,

“Hehehe, that never gets old.”

------------



#2 InquisitorAlexel

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Posted 31 May 2014 - 06:08 PM

I've read your text. It is a good start, but too small for me to judge. Since english isn't my first language, I won't comment on the syntax or any mistakes of that kind!



#3 FearMyLvl

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Posted 01 June 2014 - 02:15 AM

i'm rewriting the story but i'm gonna make these parts into flashbacks instead :P



#4 Angel of Death

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Posted 01 June 2014 - 09:17 PM

It is an interesting start to a story. hope to read more soon.

 

And find out more about that Mystery Girl


"For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast, And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed:And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill, And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still!"

 


#5 FearMyLvl

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Posted 10 June 2014 - 01:08 AM

I'm rewriting the story and turning this scene into a part where they have a flashback.

I'ma release the first part soon.

Look forward to it!






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